And you thought Kiefer had a bad day on 24

Kiefer Sutherland: "An Orangutan almost killed me once"
Sutherland was shooting a scene in a 1988 film with his co-star and friend Robert Downey Jr when things got a little out of hand. He recalls, "We were doing a scene in a VW bus and I was driving and Bobby was in the passenger seat and we were being towed by another vehicle so that I wouldn't actually have to drive. "At some point there was an orangutan sitting in between us. They're incredibly and deceptively strong. And Bobby was really nervous about this to begin with. "At some point in the middle of the scene this orangutan... turns and faces me and sits in my lap. I start to laugh until she puts her arms around my neck. "And she starts to hold tight and everytime I start to move she squeezes a little tighter. And then she starts to gyrate her hips on my leg, and all I can hear over the walkie talkie is don't move. "Bobby says, 'Forget this' - and this is one of my best friends - crawls out the side window, jumps on top of the van... until this orangutan sprayed the entire front of the car. It was literally like I had been slimed in Ghostbusters. You can either go along for the ride, or she can kill you."

The nerve of some people!

Below is an AD that was found on Craigslist....

I will blow you for a Chloe bag - w4mm - 25 (Midtown West)
Reply to: pers-321151136@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-04-29, 3:55PM EDT


Lets face it, Chloe bags are H-O-T but my job totally doesn't afford me the lifestyle to which I am accustomed...or should be accustomed. So to that end I propose a trade. You bring me the Chloe bag (pictured below) and I will go to town on your knob. Yes, that's right, I will wax your pole, lick your stick, love your pud, handle your MANdle. If this sounds good to you, email me, because I will rock your world...and all you have to do is sit back and accept my gift to you.


anyone got a spare $1,600?

Remember when...

Thank god for cable access

Let me break this down for you. Atlanta Cable Access show called "Vagina Power." Now, neither of these two women are cut out to be discussing this topic, but who cares! If you want to maximize your enjoyment watch about a minute to get the feeling, then skip ahead to 2:25 and watch through the 4-minute mark. Trust me you will not be disappointed!

I'm just saying

Any questions?

And the winner is.....

Nick Lachey and I are on the same page. In one of his only songs that I am familiar with he asks, "What's Left Of Me?" And I have found that more often than not the majority of society isn't sure either. Now I don't mean this in an existential way, I mean it literally.

How many times have you told someone to turn left and watched in horror and disbelief as they turned to the right? It happens more than it should considering that after turning 5-years-old, mistaking your right from your left is no longer acceptable. So that's why I've decided that the three most demeaning words one can utter are, "Your other left!"

Not only does it denote that the person on the receiving end is too stupid to know his right from his left, but it also is a great put down because clearly you know the difference. So the next time you hear "What's Left of Me" on the radio remember: You're Smarter Than Nick Lachey. (coming this fall to FOX)

Antici..........pation

Kelly Clarkson's new single, "Never Again", is supposed to debut today on Capital Radio and HED and I have been listening eagerly for it's premiere.....since 10am! I have high hopes for the song since downloading a remix illegally the other day.

Get on it Lucio!

--------------------UPDATE--------------------

I have now heard the song several times and man does it rock! It's angstier than Behind These Hazel Eyes, more rockin' than Since U Been Gone and has a better beat than Walk Away. Kelly, whoever hurt you so should be dragged by wild horses over a field of thorns. Hey, Field of Thorns, that sounds like an awesome song title, no?

It's the summer of Pfeiffer!

Do you hear that? It’s the sound of Michelle Pfeiffer taking the Summer by storm—don’t call it a comeback! Not only is she starring in Hairspray but she’ll also be seen in the superior looking Stardust as an evil witch who steals the life from people so she can live forever *cough Sharon Stone cough*

But the pinnacle for me will be when she takes the Inside the Actors Studio stage to have a one-on-one with Mr. James Lipton! Personally, I can not wait seeing as Michelle is one of my favorite all-time actresses who has been out of the spotlight for WAY too long.

Any bets on what her favorite curse word will be?

The perfect present for Smalls' birthday

Have I killed another celebrity?

As a child I thought Madeline Kahn was the cat's pajamas. Hilarious on SNL, uproarious in Blazing Saddles, but the pièce de résistance for me was her role as Mrs. White in Clue. Only those who grew up watching Clue can truly appreciate its brilliance. But then a weird thing happened. After years of not watching it, I happened to find it on DVD around Christmas 1999 and then a mere 2 weeks later, she passed away. I always felt vaguely responsible for her demise, and it seems that once again my accidental powers of homicide have flared up.


Last Saturday in an effort to inject a little culture in my life I purchased my very first Kurt Vonnegut novel, Timequake, and have quickly become enamored with not only his prose but his outlook on life, and wouldn't you know it, he died Wednesday at the age of 84. Clearly I have some odd talent for killing people I don't even know simply by enjoying their body of work.

To that end, I plan to do society a solid and buy Kevin Federline's CD and play it non-stop until I strike again!

Headline of the week

Kudos to Gawker.com for this little ditty from a story about Anna Nicole Smith



Playboy's Anna Nicole Smith Celebration Tugs At Our Heartstrings, Weensticks

Sanjaya Hung?

It's Latin week on American Idol thanks to guest mentor Jennifer Lopez. All I can say is that if Sanjaya chooses to sing She Bangs by Ricky Martin (and immortalized by William Hung), I might die inside! Come on, wouldn't that be the best nod to his inferiority ever? It might actually make me break my "I only vote for Kelly Clarkson" rule and dial Idol for him

SopranTourage

Last night marked the return of The Sopranos' final nine episodes and the second half of Entourage's third season. Both are quality shows that I love but have a long way to go to reclaim their former glory.

Coming off a weak season that included extended dream sequences where nothing happened, fast-forwarding to watch Christopher resume his drug habit, then quit, then resume, then quit for good, and endless talk about a spec-house, Sopranos has a lot of ground to make up if it's going to reclaim the title of "The Most Daring Show on TV". The good news is that the first episode was a step in the right direction. With the focus smartly on Tony and Carmela spending a weekend at Janice and Bobby's lake house, the foursome talked and played board games and drank and drank and drank which led to a surprising fight that had dire implications for poor dumb Bobby. My only gripe? If Bobby is so aware of CSI and DNA evidence, why did he not only leave part of his shirt in the hands of the dude he killed but also drop the gun at the scene as well!?!? It's like he's asking to be caught! But the big question remains: will Tony be caught? Luckily, I care enough again to stick around and find out.

Entourage also meandered too much in the first half of last season with Ari sabotaging Vince's chances at making The Ramones movie, Eric's drama over the threesome, Turtle's rapper bailing and Drama's "career". But like Tony & Co, Vince & Co seem to be headed in the right direction and there is one person to thank for that--Carla Gugino! As Vince's new agent Amanda, she injects a sense of reality into the hyper-real world these guys live in and gives the show a dash of estrogen (unlike Debi Mazar's venom spewing publicist). And once again, the episodes’ best line was saved for Vince's agent, but it wasn't Ari this time. Amanda is toe-to-toe with Ari in a battle for Vince and she asks if Ari wants her to walk him to his car because, "It's not safe out there for a bitch!"

Damn straight! Keep it up HBO and I just might give some of those new series' you teased before Sopranos a chance.

My thoughts exactly

Ice Cube continues his Loss of Credibility Tour with the release of Are We Done Yet? the sequel to 2005's study in cinematic torture Are We There Yet? What's ironic about the title of the new film is that it perfectly summarizes my feelings not only about this franchise, but about Ice Cube's acting career in general.

He had so much promise in quality films like Higher Learning, Boyz n the Hood, Friday and my favorite guilty pleasure, Anaconda. But then Cube became the go-to-guy for sequels: two for Friday, one for Barbershop and one where he didn't even star in the original, XXX: State of the Union.

He was a highly respected rapper who pioneered the genre with NWA's anthem for a generation, Fuck The Police. Now he's fighting with squirrels and changing diapers. Talk about working your way to the bottom.

Clearly having the word "Ice" in your name decries that you will not only star in poor films but that you will never get any real acting cred and your career with quickly melt. In addition to Ice Cube, see: Ice-T who is consistently the worst thing about Law & Order: SVU, Ice the dog from Garden State who according to IMDB hasn't worked since humping Zach Braff's leg and the mack daddy of Ice, Vanilla Ice, who originated this theory when he starred in the box office flop, Cool as Ice.

Dirty star

Halle Berry received the 2,333rd Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Well received is a misnomer, since anyone can get a star, they just have to pay for it. Bet ya didn't know that, did ja? Just one of the perks of my job. Anyway, her star is located right in front of the Kodak Theatre, which is about 2 blocks from a really shady part of Hollywood. Why is this important, you ask. Well, I would bet a bottle of Purell that some homeless man has slept, urinated or shit directly on the spot Halle is now applying her lips to!