This Is The Hotness

Nobody's Comin' To Your Remake Louise

It was announced today that Ashley Tisdale and her new nose (the second one so far) are planning to star in a remake of the 80's classic Teen Witch. I can not even begin to fully express what a terrible idea this is..but I will try.

First of all, Teen Witch achieved fame and notoriety because it's bad. Like real bad. Teen Witch is by no means a well-made movie, but it is random, weird and silly but beyond all that, it's camp. And you can't plan camp. It just happens. Like a gleek.

Case in point: the writers probably thought they were being super hep by integrating a rap song. They weren't. "Top That" is probably one of the worst songs ever written, yet is just one of the moments that helped the film achieve cult status, as did the other song that is inexplicably performed,"I Like Boys."

The only glimmer of hope on the horizon is that another remake which I was very vocally opposed to, (click here if you don't believe me) Adventures in Babysitting starring Raven Symone, never seemed to materialize. So I am hoping against hope that the same is true of Teen Witch. In fact, just to ensure it, I will say a spell: "Argentum Popularum Sinsarum. Argentum Popularum Sinsarum. Argentum Popularum Sinsarum."

Although.......it might be funny to see Ashley Tisdale get called a dog, a dog, a dog!!!!!

Cart, Horse

I am growing increasingly fond of Heidi Montag’s deluded self image. I know it’s redundant to talk about how out-of-touch this woman, who stars on a fake reality show and has thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery is, but I must. In a recent interview Heidi was asked about a rumored 'The Hills' feature film and she was quoted as saying, “I've never discussed a movie possibility for 'The Hills'…and I'm not sure if for my first movie I'd let Lauren Conrad narrate me.”

Yes, you read that correctly, “first movie” which implies that Heidi believes she would be asked to star in a second movie and possibly a third. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she went on to say, “If I was doing movies, I'd want it to be with Denzel Washington or something like that.”

Girl, like Denzel Washington even knows what “The Hills” are—he’s more likely to think that your show is some spin-off from “The Sound of Music” and you’re the young troll who lives under the hill that Maria sings are alive.

Personally I can't wait until she breaks out the Tara Reid "I want to win an Oscar" quote--then my day will be complete. And yes that is an old picture, but I prefer my Heidi with her old parts

Celebrity Death Match: Mark-vs-Marc

In the left corner we have Mark Ballas, professional hoofer on Dancing with the Stars, who in my opinion is going to win this season thanks to Kristi Yam.

In the right corner we have Marc St. James, aka Michael Urie, from Ugly Betty, who in my opinion is the funniest thing about that show.

Now here's my dilemma: which one of these Bobbsey Twins is my favorite? Seriously...were they separated at birth in some sort of weird Lifetime MOTW sitch? And making me even more confused, they're both on top rated ABC shows. Is there some sort of corral of cute, skinny boys that is secretly kept on ABC's backlot? If so, do they have a tour? Or an adoption program?

So It Turns Out Cynthia is More of a Samantha Than a Miranda

Cynthia Nixon was interviewed on Good Morning America today where she revealed that she battled breast cancer and discussed how her life partner, Christine, dealt with it (for the record, the answer was eating). This marks the second huge life event that Cynthia went through after Sex & The City's Samantha Jones also did: lesbianism and breast cancer. Thankfully for the mother of two, she is in the clear.

SMG B-Day

Wow, I feel just like Buffy Summers did in that scene from "Nightmares" when she is casually informed by Cordelia that they have a History test in 30 seconds (don't worry, it was all the subconscious manifestations of a boy who was in a coma after being abused by his baseball coach--deep stuff, right?). Well that feeling of being completely blindsided is where I'm at right now because I was 100% unaware today is Sarah Michelle Gellar's 31st birthday.

For those of you who don't know (are there any of you?) SMG was one of the most intense presences during my early developmental years--actually, it wasn't so much Sarah as it was Buffy Summers, but irregardless, one doesn't exist without the other. Kristy, who?

So Sarah, thank you so much for imbuing Buffy Summers with life--you are hands down my favorite TV character of all-time, so have a very happy birthday! Something tells me you'll be getting a book--she collects antique novels...and that's just one of the many random facts I know about Ms. G!

Cute Overload

Sabra Johnson and Kameron Bink from So You Think You Can Dance (come back already!) with two koala's!

The New Queen of Saturday Night Live

Kristen Wiig delivered another round of brilliant performances this weekend on Saturday Night Live. Her consistently funnier-by-the-week characters are blowing Amy Poehler's out of the water (a routine occurrence) and must be making Lorne Michaels feel a whole lot better about Amy's rumored departure at the end of the season. Below are my two favorites from this week!

Jamie Lee Curtis for Activia Yogurt


Judy Grimes: Stripper, just kidding, Travel Writer

One Headline, 30% Increase in Opening Weekend Box Office

From Dark Horizons: Megan Fox Goes Topless For "Body"

Yes, that's right hordes of straight boys who (don't) read my blog. Uber-hottie (I'm not sold) Megan Fox has agreed to show her ta-ta's off in the upcoming film "Jennifer's Body," which was written by the strip-tacular Diablo Cody.

For more on the movie, click here

It Was The Cravat's Fault!

While everyone was busy picking their jaws up off the floor last night when Michael Johns was boots from "American Idol" I just said to myself: it just goes to show you the power of fashion.

See, for the last two weeks MJ has been rocking a cravat, like he's Fred from "Scooby-Doo" or something. It's an odd look that is totally out-of-sync with youth today and only serves to remind us that A) MJ is seriously pushing the age-limit on "Idol" (I always secretly believed eventually it would come out that he lied about his age) and B) he is not American.

So while Simon may say his ousting had to do with poor song choice, I solely blame MJ singing his swan song on silly sartorial selections.

Wonder what Fidel Castro would have done....

In a surprising bit of news, assumed stoner Jason Castro doesn't support his brothers-in-bongs. Check out this tid-bit from Idol Gives Back that was posted on People.com:

Snoop Dogg delivered the first performance of the night, bringing the crowd — and seven of the top eight Idol finalists — to their feet. But Jason Castro, seated at the front of a balcony with the other contestants, rested his head on his hands while the rapper was on stage. It wasn’t until Heart’s Ann Wilson and Nancy Wilson came out on stage to collaborate with Fergie that Castro got out of his chair.

Although maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Perhaps Jason smoked a fatty with Snoop backstage and was just too high to actually partake since he par-toked. Looks like we'll never know

Who Knew?

I Love Weeds, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Mary Louise Parker. However I am incredibly surprised by the degree to which America agrees. In light of news that Mary Louise and Jeffrey Dean have supposedly split, both actors rocketed into the Top 10 Google Trend searches.

Ironically, Billy Crudup placed higher than Mary Louise Parker, proving once and for all that no one will ever forget if you cheat on a pregnant woman.

Lost: What?

This video perfectly expresses the thoughts and feelings millions of LOST fans have on a weekly basis!

How Cute is This?

Anderson Cooper guest hosted Live! on the 4th and somehow he subjected himself to a workout routine segment that basically saw Kelly Ripa doing the most girlie moves ever and Anderson giggling along and refusing to try. Somehow he totally gets away with it and the bit works.

Highlights for me: Anderson yelling, "Jazz Hands" and him not knowing what a "Muffin Top" is.

PS--Ripa should totally do workout videos, a good place for her to channel all that energy!

My new screensaver

The crazy eyes, the funny gesture, the cock-a-doodle hair. Sharon Stone in all her fabulousness now adorns my desktop!

Battlestar Baby!

Pic stolen from my identical brain twin over at MNPP

Well, color me happy! There's a snap in here for two!

As a young lad I developed an unhealthy obsession with Sandra Bullock. She just seemed so cool and carefree and kind.

As an older chap I developed an unhealthy obsession with Ryan Reynolds. He just seemed so cool and carefree and kind.

Today came pictures from the set of "The Proposal" a movie starring both Sandra and Ryan! Homo say what? I have basically died and gone to heaven at this point. Now when will one of them propose to me? My choice of suitor is fairly obvious. Fairly

Tila Tequila's in his Top Friends

Mark the day, March 30th is officially the day that MySpace pulled back the curtain to reveal that the wizards running the show aren't people like you and me, but dudes with BA's in business and marketing. Seriously, there isn't a shot in hell that Martin Scorsese actually wants to be your friend. In fact, I will give you $100 if Marty actually knows what MySpace is.

As a rule old people don't really get the internet. That's why I always get emails from my grandfather that look like this:
jkrett! hoews wortk reating you?> comre to Flprida;' 'we miss youtr.

Puberty giveth, and puberty taketh away

Congratulations Skeet Ulrich, Captain Lou Albano and Spencer Pratt; you are no longer the worst things to have ever happened to facial hair. Sorry Shia, you have ruined any sexual fantasies I may have ever had about you by rocking the creepiest facial hair since every guy who has ever been on To Catch a Predator. Not only have you highlighted your oddly shaped head (who knew!) but you've reminded America that facial hair is a privilege, not a right.

*sorry HED

I'm With You Leather

As I wait patiently, clutching a sidekick, for my beloved Gossip Girl to return to the airwaves on April 21 I can at least find comfort in all these paparazzi shots from the set. But it appears a new trend is afoot in GG-world since both Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn!) and Blake Lively were spotted wearing leather (pleather?) pants. As my new friend Ryan pointed out "tight leather pants are the new black tights" And while the sheer thought of this style makes my thighs develop asthma, he's right. I've been seeing leather pants everywhere lately and I have come to a conclusion: I do not condone.

Has anyone actually looked amazing in leather pants? I mean really. Sure there are some people who don't look truly unfortunate in the fitted animal hides, mostly anorexic celebrities, but would I call them enviable ensembles? Nope. There is only one man who has ever maximized leather pants to their full potential: Ross Gellar on Friends, and that's because he saw the comedy in them. And because he tried to make himself a pair of paste pants.

My Spider Sense is Tingling

I have an inkling. And I am going to share it with you, just so when/if it comes true, I can say, “hey remember when I told you…”

I am getting a distinct impression that Heather on Rock of Love is the new New York. Remember how New York came in second place during season 1 of Flavor of Love and then returned in season two under the guise of “helping Flav weed out the bad bachelorettes" and was then herself asked to return to the competition and once again came in second place? And then remember how she spun off into her own show called, “I Love New York” to begin her own search for love?

Weeeell, Heather, Rock of Love’s season 1 runner-up has just returned on season two under the guide of “helping Bret weed out the bad bachelorettes" (I cut and pasted that sentence from above, further proving the point I am about to make). Now, normally one appearance isn’t out of the ordinary—hi Rodeo!—but it was very subtly revealed at the end of this week’s elimination that Heather would be joining Bret and the girls on a trip to Vegas because, as Bret said, she’s been really helpful.

Now here’s where a second train of logic pulls up to the station. “I Love New York” will not be returning for a third season because New York has some new show where she goes to Hollywood to try and become famous (ed note: you’re already there Tiffany, this is as famous as you’re getting. You’ve hit your fame glass ceiling). This move leaves a female-dating-show slot vacant on VH1’s schedule and Heather made it very clear on season 1 that she wants her slot to be filled. It’s like freakin’ slutty serendipity!

So, here’s how it will go down: Heather will be asked to stay on and will be contractually obligated to come in second place, which is too bad because a Daisy vs. Ambre final two would have been interesting. (note: I did not misspell Ambre’s name. But it is pronounced like Amber. Actually, I think that if you go back to the first episode of the season her name was spelled “Amber” but then it got Rock Of Love-ified and became Ambre).

Then as predicted, by history, Heather will come in second in the finale, get crazy angry and during the reunion show announce plans for her own spin of, called: “Who Wants To Date an Ex-Stripper Who Wasn’t Good Enough for Bret Michaels, Which is Good Enough For Us?”

or something like that

Adventures in IMDB-land

I love IMDB.com. I use it daily. And every now and then you stumble upon a bit o' brilliance. Today is no exception. After watching Sound of Music with Allison and Joe last night, we discovered that the girl who played Louisa (upper left) is named Heather Menzies. Yea, let that soak in for a second.

Not only does she have that flow-tastic last name but this adorable anecdote came from Menzies' mini-bio: She and Kym Karath, who played Gretl, the youngest Von Trapp, became close friends despite the fact that while filming that movie's rowboat scene, Kym swallowed too much water and threw up on Heather -- Julie Andrews was designated to catch her but fell off the wrong side of the boat and as a result Heather had to get Kym.

So what has this taught us besides the fact that Julie Andrews is a thoughtless bitch? That Menzies is capable of absorbing vomit and copious amounts of water. Must not have been a heavy flow river.

Almost as Bad as Julia Goulia

A long time ago in a land far, far away called Hollywood there were two beautiful anchors, Giuliana DePandi and Jillian Barberie. Great names, right? "Fame names" is what I call them, you know, ones that sound like the monkier a real celebrity would have—or at least someone who interviews celebrities. Well, at least they did. Both ladies got married and opted for inferior surnames in the process. Giuliana DePandi became Giuliana Rancic when she married Apprentice winner Bill Rancic, and made herself sound like spoiled meat. (sidenote: does anyone actually “win” if they’re on The Apprentice?)


Ironically (and something I learned after a wikipedia search) Jillian was born Jillian Warry and married up, last name-wise, in 1996 with a wedding to Bret Barberie (a baseball player--one of the few times an athlete will be mentioned on here). Then she rocked the surname hard-core for a long-time before opting for the snoozeville that is Reynolds. Even Star Jones only hyphenated her name when she married a Reynolds.

Now look, I have nothing against women taking their husbands last names, tradition is fun! But as someone saddled with an unfortunate last name I take major offense when anyone ditches a perfectly perfect last name for something generic, boring and average.

In other cute baby news

You know when you sometimes say a word over and over again and it starts to sound like a different word. this is kinda like that, but cuter

I call this, 'There Will Be Buh-lud'

Having a Bad Day?

It is scientifically impossible for this night to brighten up your day



and apparently I've stumbled onto something, because I am not alone...

If a tree falls....

There used to be a time that there was no greater musical honor than performing on Saturday Night Live. Grammy? Patooey. Now? Not so much.

I can't even tell you who the last three musical guests were. Did I watch the show? Yep. Did I fast-forward or conversely give the song 15-seconds to sway me, to which it clearly did not and then fast forward through it? Yep.

So let me ask you: why? And in addition: do you do the same thing?

PR

The Eyebrows Are Coming Back!

OK, OK, I know I've been gone for a veeeery long time, but working for a blog kinda quashes the need for a personal blog--or so I thought! In news that I could never get past my editors at PageSix.com Peter Gallagher has signed to reprise his role as Jonathan Reeves in a sequel to 2000's ballet-themed dance feature "Center Stage"

CUE MY FREAK OUT!

So many things to love:

A) Center Stage" sequel! Best trio of words since "next on Lost"

B) The fact that Peter is coming back leads me to believe that I will, in one way or another, get to see this movie. Meaning, it will either be released in theaters or go straight-to-DVD, but having a "star" in the cast does help matters for sheez!

C) The plot: The sequel focuses on a determined young dancer named Kate, who's begging for admission to the dance company, but has a hard time convincing the powers-that-be to let her in. She eventually gets her chance to dance - thanks to her new dance partner, a guy who's having trouble letting his pals know that he does ballet.

D) This nugget: Another star from the original, Ethan Stiefel, will also be returning for the sequel reprising his role as dance king Cooper Nielsen.


Here's hoping we get some sort of resolution on Jody and Charlie! Or that Charlie simply comes back to teach!

Where I've Been....

I've been working on the relaunch of PageSix.com! We're finally active and covering everything under the sun, so please check it out early and come back often!

Oh, and if all you really want to know is: What has Jarett been writing? You can simply go to:

http://www.pagesix.com/sixers/jarett+wieselman

Hasta la, oh hey, what's this?

FOX just unveiled new posters for the January 14th premiere of The Sarah Conner Chronicles and this one instantly guarantees my viewership! Not only do I heart Summer Glau (from Firefly!) but I kinda dig the concept of continuing the Terminator adventures, sans Ah-nold the Governator.

T3 was pretty crappy (although the liquid metal Terminatrix was pretty bad ass) so this could be a great way to reboot the franchise outside the theater.