If eyes are the windows to the soul.....

Then Beyonce's soul is bigger than her....ego. (thought I was gunna say butt, didn't you?)

It's a quarter to hamburger

Dust? Anyone? No. Dust? Anyone? No. Dust? Anyone? No. Dust? Anyone? No.


Computer says no

Brought to you by the number Se7en

As a glorified caption writer I often find myself trying to boil a complicated concept down to it's simplest form. So I thought, is there anything that can't be compressed into a 7-word nugget a.k.a Fortune Cookie-isms?

Iraq--Fear based decisions ruin it for everyone

College--Best times come too early in life

Credit--These un-removable handcuffs make for daily strife

Ashlee Simpson--Jesus: "You can improve upon my work"

Murder--They didn't plan to do it there

Britney Spears--Presence of one shaved region begets another

Television--Keeps you warm on cold winter nights

Career--The path you eventually regret walking down

....if you have any additions leave them in the comments :)

Next stop

The L train runs from 14th & 8th to Heaven

What Penelope is really thinking

Penelope: SUCKER! I got out and you're stuck! Adios punta!

Life is not a karaoke bar

In recent weeks I have begun to notice an odd development--average looking citizens singing out loud with their iPods. Now I had observed this trend previously, but it had been relegated to teenagers who are too-cool-for-school and the kinds of people I would consider crossing the street to avoid, but no longer! In the last 3 days I have been subjected to the musical stylings of a preppy Soro-stitute oddly humming to Barry Manilow's Copacabana, a suit singing Don't Cha by the Pussycat Dolls (what is this, 2006?) and even an older Asian lady getting her groove on to Scissor Sisters. I get that you like to sing, but do you get that I shouldn't be forced to hear you warble along to a song that is only audible to you? Keep this unsettling behavior where it belongs, American Idol and mental institutions. well, those are the same thing actually.

You know how I know you're gay?

(sorry HED)

They're currently burning in Hell

Thanks to HED for pointing out that I am now a wanted man in Colombia. In my defense, those two totally deserved it. They WERE clowns after all, and if you're a clown, you deserve to die! Plus, their deaths now ensure they won't be able to kill and eat any more children.

Colombia clowns killed on stage

Two circus clowns have been shot dead during a performance in the eastern Colombian city of Cucuta, police say. The attacker jumped into the arena and fired before fleeing, police chief Jose Humberto Henao told Efe news agency. Local reports say the audience of about 20 people, mostly children, thought the shooting was part of the show before realizing both men had been killed.


The motive for the latest killing remains unclear, police said. One clown was shot in the head as he performed on stage, about an hour into the Circo del Sol's evening show. The second was then shot as he stood by the ticket booth, according to the newspaper La Opinion.

Yea, this is about par for the course

Frustrated with the amount of people "touching" her, Britney Spears shaved her head. Next up, she enlists in the NAVY because her delusions have convinced her that she's G.I. Jane

SNOW DAY!

My office was closed due to inclement weather! I haven't had a snow day since fourth grade and I think I will spend my day doing the exact same thing I did then--hitting up strip clubs and getting WASTED!

Am I hearing things?

I could've sworn I just heard a cat meow. The only problem? There are fully no cats in my office. So this means that I am either going crazy or there is some sort of demon cat stalking me that really likes celebrity gossip.

Rice raps

I know I am the only one who finds these videos funny, but whatever, this one is good too!

C-o-w NO!

Ok, so I need a new couch and right now this $199 one from IKEA is the leader. Too bad there isn't a blog that recommends household products, ya know, one that gives tips and treats

There are no eggs in heaven

Ok, so I know I'm in the minority, but there really isn't anything I like about eggs. I hate the way they look—over easy has runny yolks that look like puss, hardboiled ones fill your teeth with gross yellow bits that make me want to vomit and disown you as an amigo, and deviled eggs are just that, the spawn of the devil. Seriously, I am getting nauseous just thinking about them. In spite of my dislike for them, I understand that most citizens do in fact love eating a good egg and I can deal with it while I’m at a restaurant, but not randomly throughout my day.

This morning started like any other, with me freezing my ass off as I walked to the subway. After braving the six blocks, which felt like 60 in the cold, I desperately jumped onto a train knowing it would absolutely be warmer inside. What I failed to account for was the stupid girl who felt that inside a hermetically sealed tube would be the perfect place to scarf down a hardboiled egg.

First off all, eating on the subway in general is repugnant. Would you go to a hobo’s home and sit down for a meal? I think not. Secondly, there is little to no air circulation inside the A-train so your pungent breakfast reeks throughout the car and does a little dance inside my nostrils where the egg-vapors basically shit all over my septum.

After escaping at 175th street I walked to the bus that I take over the bridge every day. I boarded just in time and sat towards the back. Once I finally settled in to my seat an odd feeling washed over me. “what is that?” I thought to myself, “did someone fart?” the answer is no—they were eating a freaking Egg McMuffin! This infuriated me because there is clearly a sign at the front of the bus that says, “No Eating” and this dude was just two rows behind the driver, so I know she smelled that rankness along with the rest of the passengers and clearly approved of its presence, in fact, she probably stopped for one on the way home.

The reason this incident truly infuriated me was because a few months ago I was boarding the bus, carrying an iced coffee that I had been craving all morning. I was even planning on waiting till I got to my office to savor it, really enjoy the whole thing, down to the last drop. When I hopped on to the bus to pay the driver I had a spring in my step, a spring that only comes from the knowledge that you are about to embark on the caffeine train! And wouldn’t you know it, the driver says to me, “no drinks!” Huh? I see people getting on with drinks all the time, I think to myself. “But I’m not going to drink it, sir,” I say ever so politely to the driver. “No drinks,” he rudely replies. So I am forced to throw away my perfectly good (and untouched) Venti coffee and compelled to hide my coffee every single day since.

Yes, I hide coffee every day. I palm the cup in my left hand and shift that side of my body away from the driver as I board, handing them my ticket with the right. It’s frustrating to engage in this dance every day. “What if today’s the day they make me throw it out again?” I always wonder. So you have to understand my ire when I go to the extreme lengths to mask a odorless coffee and there’s a guy housing an Egg McMuffin in plain sight (and smell!) of the driver. Again, I must remind him that a bus is relatively self-contained when it comes to odor and his breakfast is causing me lose mine.

Now look, I am not telling America to stop selling egg products, all I am asking, begging, instructing is that they not be eaten in my vicinity. If you do me this favor, I promise, I will owe you one. I will mow your lawn, I will walk your dog, I will promise not to passive aggressively hit you with my coat or bag when you are eating what is in essence a defective baby.

Prepare for total domination

This is a brilliant video that begs the question; If man creates, can the creation become more powerful than the creator?

Perth is gorges

Amid the frigid temperatures currently attacking the East Coast, it's nice to remember that is is still beautiful in other places around the globe. This pic comes from Perth, Australia on Australia Day. And while it's a composite of three images and three separate light shows, fireworks, a thunderstorm, and Comet McNaught, it's still a pretty spectacular picture

On the lighter side

Every generation has their signature style. Twenty-something girls love leggings, while guys of the same age just can't get enough of striped button-down shirts. And as the years tick by, older generations find it acceptable to appropriate the styles that belong to the movers and shakers that have inevitably replaced them at work and with the opposite sex--I actually saw a 50-something woman wearing a miniskirt over black leggings while pushing a stroller yesterday. But far and away the most iconic style belongs to the over 65 set.

What is it that makes old men and powder blue pants go together like frats and date rape? Today marked the umpteenth occasion I saw a senior citizen sporting trousers that look like they were straight out of Smurf village! Where exactly do they sell these? Is there an Old Men's Warehouse? Do they get catalogues from The Powder Room? Or are they solely sold in a store called "Up To Here" (hold hand right above belly button while saying this)

In any case, while other fashions might be cross-generational, Power Blue Trousers will always be an AARP membership gift with purchase.