These put the "see" in Cinema

At the end of every year every self-important blogger who loves movies feels compelled to offer his or her Ten Best List. I am no different.

10.The Fountain

I have only a vague idea about what happened in this movie, but it was the most visually intoxicating 90 minutes of my life.

9. Pan’s Labyrinth

A warped fairy tale. The best children's movie that no child should see.

8. Half Nelson

Ryan Goslings performance is hands down the best one I’ve seen this year and makes the movie a must-see.

7. Borat

Everyone will remember Borat for how hard it made them laugh, but the true brilliance lied in how Sacha Baron Cohen held a much-needed microscope over America.

6. United 93

Cathartic cinema is often manipulative and over-the-top. Luckily there’s none of that here thanks to smart documentary-esque direction, true to life performances from unknown actors and a script that dared to show the rationale behind the terrorists’ actions.

5. The Descent

The scariest movie I saw all year. All I can say is thank god I don’t go cave climbing. Incidentally, it has the best poster of the year as well.

4. The Departed

Better mob politics than the Sopranos. Better undercover-agent-in-peril twists than Donnie Brasco. Better acting than Big Momma’s house…now that’s a true achievement.

3. Little Children

Kate Winslet could read a phone book and I would pay to see it, but it’s so much more rewarding when she not only chooses a character as deeply layered as Sarah but acts the shit out of it. And with the combination of last year’s Hard Candy and this movie, Patrick Wilson is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors.

2. Casino Royale

I know it sounds cliché, but Bond Is Back! For a movie that opens with its strongest sequence to be so thoroughly engaging the whole way through is tough, but for it to somehow make a game of poker the most suspenseful scene of the year is impressive to say the least.

1.Children of Men

I walked into the theater thinking that I knew exactly what to expect from Children of Men, after all the trailer seems to give away the entire plot from start to finish…but I couldn't have been more wrong. It’s remarkable to see a film that paints a bleak picture of the world’s future yet leaves you feeling hopeful that mankind can mend its wicked ways by the end. The performances are spot-on, the script is tight and twisty in all the right ways and the ride it takes you on is worth more than the $10 admission.


*******************The Worst*******************

Firewall

Is this what its come to Harrison? You’re Indiana freakin’ Jones, show a little respect.

The Da Vinci Code

I never read the book and always wondered what all the fuss was about. I thought to myself, damn, this book must be one of the most satisfying pieces of fiction ever written. It's not. You're all crazy. Stop talking about it. Thank You.

The Covenant

Ever wonder what would happen if Abercrombie & Fitch models became male witches? Then rent this movie…it’s preposterous.

The Wicker Man

The first movie I seriously considered walking out of in history--well, in the history of Jarett.

Black Christmas

For crying out loud Hollywood—how the hell do you screw up sorority girls being stalked and killed by a deranged Santa Claus/mental patient! Come on!


*******My other favorite things about the movies this year

* The proliferation of horror movies
* A bald Natalie Portman
* “The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!”
* Keri Russell in Mission Impossible III
* Drifting
* “It’s not called gym-nice-tics”
* Magicians
* The dialogue in Brick
* Finally seeing Casablanca
* Woody Harrelson in A Prairie Home Companion
* The boxing glove air cannon
* Pamela Anderson meets Borat
* Maggie Gyllenhaal in Stranger Than Fiction
* Cameron Diaz’s house in The Holiday
* The husky sled dogs in 8 Below
* The end dance in Little Miss Sunshine
* “You know what they say about blind prostitutes? ‘You really gotta hand it to them.’”

And finally the most quotable movie of the year:



Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.

Ricky Bobby: Well, Let me give you a saying from Colonel Sanders. I am too drunk to taste this chicken

Susan: Ricky Bobby is not a thinker! Ricky Bobby is a driver!

Carley Bobby: If we wanted us some wusses we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman.

Cal Naughton, Jr.:Shake and Bake!
Ricky Bobby: Did that blow your mind, because that just happened

Ricky Bobby: It's real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.

Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord baby Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family. My two sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or TR as we call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox.

Thank you and i apologize for the headline

Am I on his shit list?

I have dodged the question for years for fear of being excommunicated from humanity, but I am 25 now and fully an adult who has to take responsibility for his actions and it is with great shame and fear that I admit I have never seen Schindler's List.

Save your scathing words, I know how awful it is especially considering that I am Jewish, but hey, I haven't seen Fiddler on the Roof or Yentyl, so why should I now start allowing my religion to dictate my cinematic endeavors? Plus, I studied history, I know how the Holocaust ends and regardless of what you’ve heard, it wasn’t A Beautiful Life or a grandiose lie as many people claim *cough Mel Gibson cough*. It is simply an ugly part of Global history, much like our current Presidential predicament. And no doubt history will recall the Bush Administration with the same disdain and regret that it does for Nazi Germany….and if Steven Spielberg makes a movie about George W. Bush I probably won’t see that either.

What will your favorite celebrity be doing in 2007?

Well, it was a banner year for celebrities of every kind of ilk; true actors like Edward Norton and Cate Blanchett, ones that haven’t acted in a good film in some time like Kate Hudson and people who are famous for being famous, I’m talking to you Paris! So after much ado was made of them during the last year for their hook-up’s, break-up’s and often panty-less antics, this is the only place where you can find out what the future has in store for the stars that dominate the headlines.

Brangelina
Disappointed when their latest adoption goes awry because Madonna swoops in and takes the kid from underneath their noses, Brad and Ange will begin to adopt unexpected tots. Dakota Fanning becomes the first non-parentless child the duo snaps up, soon followed by
Little Miss Sunshine’s Abigail Breslin, and Sean Preston Federline and his brother, Jayden James.

Britney Spears
After losing custody of her two children to Angelina Jolie, Britney attempts to get her life in order and keep her vagina under-wraps. Unfortunately, she errs when it comes to fully grasping the term, “under wraps” and thus she inadvertently starts 2007’s hottest trend—putting Baja Fresh wraps in pants.

Lindsay Lohan
After a feeble attempt to curtail her drinking through Kabbalah, Scientology and half-heartedly paying attention in Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, LiLo decides to try another route and becomes the most famous Amish celebrity working today in the Oscar winning film,
A Girl, A Boy and a Butter-churn.

George Clooney
After running out of women to sleep with, George goes involuntarily celibate before realizing that he still hasn’t slept with 50% of the population—men! And so begins Clay Aiken’s fantasy.

The Simpson Sisters
The duo that “allegedly” went under the knife (or needle) of every plastic surgeon in California misguidedly decide that another struggling profession needs their support: The anti-plastic surgery association of America.

Justin Timberlake
Not content with simply bringing sexy back, Justin tries, and fails, to bring the following things back in 2007: Apathy, Jelly sandals, minstrel shows and morbid obesity.

Ben & Jen: Part 2
Following his Best Supporting Actor Oscar win for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland, Ben Affleck gets a little cocky and decides to star with Jennifer Garner in a sequel to Gigli that he brilliantly calls Gigli 2: Electric Boogaloo—and stunningly ends up winning 2008’s Oscar for Best Screenplay!!!!!

TomKat
Following a string of high-profile film flops, Tom Cruise becomes a stay-at-home dad while Katie becomes the most successful Scientologist/actor thanks to her mind-blowing portrayal of Scientology god Xenu. This leads Tom to file for divorce, because as everyone knows, Tom CAN NOT be married to someone more successful than him—so he quickly takes up with Kristin Cavallari while Katie writes a tell-all book that becomes more popular than the Bible.

Jennifer Aniston
The actress continues to bore me well into the new year—while also dating a string of men that all leave her for their hotter co-stars, thus instilling a fear of abandonment in her that turns Jennifer Aniston into Hollywood’s most successful prostitute.

Nicole Richie
After a brief weight-gain, a sex tape of Nicole Richie is leaked and she decides to make the most of the situation and sell it. Unfortunately the tape actually loses money for Richie since no one wants to see a bag of bones get done doggy style and she spirals into an anorexic depression and was last seen falling through a sewer grate.

Anna Nicole Smith
After a turbulent year that saw the death of her son just days after the birth of her daughter, Anna Nicole had high-hopes for 2007—unfortunately for the grandpa-fucker, she soon finds out that the Trim-Spa she had been taking for the last two years has an unexpected side-effect: Spontaneous Combustion.

EEK!

The saying that strikes fear into the hearts of men:

WALL OF WATER

What a worthy war

As of today, six more U.S. soldiers have been killed serving in the Iraq “war”. For those of you keeping track, that now puts the death toll around 2,978, which is incidentally more than the number of men and women who were killed in the 9/11 attacks.

Am I the only one who finds this beyond horrifying?

The best thing about Christmas

24 hours of A Christmas Story--the best X-mas movie ever made!


Deck the halls with berrs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kelly Clarkson was attacked by wind machine at 2pm this afternoon, responding sheriff deputies found her curled in a fetal position singing "A moment like this"

I wish I could live in the TV

Aw yea, it’s been an incredible 6 months of television since Prison Break kicked things off in August! While I eagerly await the return of TV’s guiltiest pleasure (American Idol) and TV’s slickest drama (24) I award the winners, and losers, of the shows that have made their way onto my DVR season pass list.

Best Drama—Heroes

Featuring the hottest TV Claire since The Huxtables (swoon Phylicia Rashad!), this show had more jaw-dropping moments this year than every other show combined—Claire’s “autopsy”, Eden’s death, Nathan flying, the foretelling of Hiro battling a dinosaur and the destruction of NYC just to name a few—and it proved that NBC still does know how to make good shows.

Best Comedy—The Office

A show that gets better and better by the episode. While many fans, including myself, were concerned about Jim’s departure of Scranton, let me take this moment to say that the wait was well worth it. The Pam-Jim-Karen triangle is heart-wrenchingly real and Jim’s conversation about rebound romances last week lets us know that there may be some hope for those two crazy kids in the future! And while there are too many gut-busting moments to mention, I will say that Andy is one of the best new characters on TV this year!

Oddest foreshadowing-Prison Break

Lane Garrison played Tweener on Prison Break, until he was killed off earlier this season. Before he broke out he was getting passed around by the inmates and was basically the prison bitch. One month ago, Garrison was involved in a real-life car accident that claimed the life of a 17-year-old boy, making matters worse is the fact that Garrison was drunk at the time of the accident and will probably go to jail for his part in the boys death. I guess it’s a good thing he has all that experience playing a prison bitch, cuz something tells me he’s going to get some real-life, hands-on experience.


Best Clip—How I Met Your Mother

Before she came to New York City, Robin Shebatsky was a Canadian Pop Star and CBS brilliantly made a video to explain her time up north.


Hottest Kiss—Lost

Not only did Kate and Sawyer have the year’s hottest kiss, but then they proceeded to have the year’s hottest sex scene. In a cage. In the dirt. There ain’t nothing hotter than dirty, sweaty, castaway sex!

Best Winner—America’s Next Top Model

Year after year I am disappointed by the winner’s of the majority of network reality shows, but FINALLY someone got it right! Caridee won the title of America’s Next Top Model and won my heart in the process!

Most Squandered Premise—The Nine

This was hands down the best pilot this year. Amazing concept, great acting, beautifully shot……and then episode two didn’t really build on the first one and then the third try was even worse. The problem? Too much time spent out of the bank, all I want to know is what happened during those 59 hours “the nine” spent as hostages and all the show wanted to tell me is how they are coping. Well, guess what—now we’ll never know why half of Kim Raver’s hair was cut off.

Most likely to elicit tears from grown-men—Friday Night Lights

Gets me every damn week! Whether it’s Street returning to the game or Smash dabbling in steroids to give his mother and sister a better life or Lyla and Riggins sleeping together because it’s all they have left after Street’s injury, this show knows how to portray real life problems better than any other show ever has.

Best Reinvention—The O.C.

Welcome to the new and improved OC bitches! THANK THE TV GODS for killing off Mischa Barton and replacing her with the infinitely better Willa Holland—who not only can act, but is capable of expressing more than one emotion. Bringing Taylor in as a series regular, AND putting her with Ryan, has been the best move the show ever made.

Hottest Character—Minka Kelly as Lila Garrity on Friday Night Lights

A smile that could melt the coldest linebacker, a sing-song like voice and I mean, just look at her.

Most Improved—30 Rock

It was okay in the beginning but Tina Fey realized how brilliant Alec Baldwin is as Jack and she started giving him more lines and cutting back the number of times we’re subjected to Jane Crap-kowski. This week’s episode, where Tina’s Liz discovers her boyfriend on an episode of Dateline’s To Catch A Predator was the funniest moment I have seen in a while, and a great reminder to avoid Chris Hanson whenever possible.


Funniest Female—Julia Louis-Dreyfus on The New Adventures of Old Christine

Proof that Seinfeld wasn’t really a boys club, JLD has created a brilliant companion character to Elaine in Christine Campbell. It’s almost as if Elaine got married and had a kid and is now living in California. Christine’s neurosis are never played for cheap laughs, and her struggles with men, the rich moms and her family are beyond brilliant.


Phew, I feel so much better now--only 1 month till it all starts over again!

All I want for Christmas is this song to be played on a 24-hour loop

In a recent scientific study performed by The Center for Awesomeness, it's been declared that All I Want For Christmas Is You, by Mariah Carey, is the best holiday song ever sung.

It’s the only song that everyone and their mother and grandmother knows and it brings a smile to the faces of impoverished orphans all over the world!

Feliz Navidad bitches!

Rules of engagement

So after much thought, I have finally realized what the qualifications are for being my friend. There are only three things I need to know about someone in order to become their friend. And those things are:

-What TV shows are on your TIVO season pass list

-What songs are on your Ipod's most listened to playlist

-Whether you're a Democrat or a Republican

....everything else can be overcome

The perfect gift this holiday season

She's back baby!

The love of my life, Michelle Pfeiffer, is in a new movie and looks better than ever! Botox? perhaps. Hot? Definitely!



And Paul Rudd is hilarious too!

Golden Globe nomination reactions

Can you smell it people? It’s the unmistakable scent of awards season (also known as the 3 months Jarett loves to hate to love)

As always the first awards are the Golden Globes and the nominees were announced this morning. I don't make do with the TV movie crap, because, hey, who watches TV movies anymore? And, no HED, I’m sorry to report that there was sadly no nomination for the Bird Flu movie.

What follows are the nominees, my predictions and my reactions to the snubs and bizarre inclusions--ENJOY!

Best Motion Picture - Drama
"Babel"
"Bobby"
"The Departed"
"Little Children"
"The Queen"

--Babel was great, but the film was a triumph of acting, hence the noms for my two favorite performances of the year, but more on that when we get to Best Supporting Actress. Bobby's inclusion makes no sense to me. It's not getting any rave reviews and the lack of acting nominations for the film doesn't help its case out very much. The Departed is a Hollywood wet dream. Well acted by respected Hollywood veterans, Directed by a legend, Very well reviewed and it's pulling in serious cash at the box-office. Expect this to win unless, The Queen steals the show thanks to Helen Mirren's amazing performance. Which leaves Little Children, one of my favorite films of the year. Unfortunately the movie's subject matter; pedophilia, infidelity and boredom may turn some people off.

Best Motion Picture - Comedy Or Musical
"Borat"
"The Devil Wears Prada"
"Dreamgirls"
"Little Miss Sunshine"
"Thank You For Smoking"

I love this category. The only film I haven't seen here is Dreamgirls, but I'll pretend like I have based on the buzz it's getting. Borat should 150% take this prize home, but the recent lawsuits might tarnish its chances. However, since these awards are picked by The Hollywood Foreign Press, they may not care about the dumb lawsuits that actually reinforce what the film is saying about Americans. The Devil Wears Prada was uproarious but the only thing people remember from the film is Meryl Streep's performance, which is why she'll win an acting award and not this one. Dreamgirls has a chance to win, but the fact that Bill Condon, the director, didn't get nominated should make the producers worried. Little Miss Sunshine is 2006's My Big Fat Greek Wedding. A low-budget indie that has gotten amazing word of mouth and this will probably be the first of many accolades that LMS gets this year.

Best Actress In A Motion Picture - Drama
Penélope Cruz for "Volver"
Judi Dench for "Notes On A Scandal"
Maggie Gyllenhaal for "Sherrybaby"
Helen Mirren for "The Queen"
Kate Winslet for " Little Children"

I have only seen two of these films so far, but it's clear that this is Helen Mirren's year to win. There is not one bad thing you could say about her performance as the Queen of England, which was so spot-on, you thought it was a documentary.

Best Actor In A Motion Picture - Drama
Leonardo Dicaprio for "Blood Diamond"
Leonardo Dicaprio for " The Departed"
Peter O'toole for "Venus"
Will Smith for "The Pursuit Of Happyness"
Forest Whitaker for "The Last King Of Scotland"

Leo will cancel himself out, which is a shame because he's fantastic in The Departed. Peter O'Toole, maybe, but HED says he's too pervy in the film. The trailer for The Pursuit of Happyness makes me cry so if the film is as half as good, Will stands a good chance. But again, like Helen, this race is all about Forest.

Best Actress In A Motion Picture - Comedy Or Musical
Annette Bening for "Running With Scissors"
Toni Collette for "Little Miss Sunshine"
Beyoncé Knowles for "Dreamgirls"
Meryl Streep for "The Devil Wears Prada"
Renee Zellweger for "Miss Potter"

I hope Annette, Toni, Beyonce and Renee enjoy the champagne because this is not even a race, this is Meryl's statue.

Best Actor In A Motion Picture - Comedy Or Musical
Sacha Baron Cohen for "Borat"
Johnny Depp for "Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
Aaron Eckhart for "Thank You For Smoking"
Chiwetel Ejiofor for "Kinky Boots"
Will Ferrell for "Stranger Than Fiction"

Here is where Sacha Baron Cohen should be rewarded for his work in Borat but Johnny Depp was the driving force behind Pirates 2 becoming one of the highest grossing films of all time, without Johnny, no one would care about these films. BUT, there is a third one coming out next year and much like Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Johnny might be rewarded at the end of the trilogy for his work throughout them.

Best Animated Feature Film
"Cars"
"Happy Feet"
"Monster House"

I love dancing penguins. Nuff said.

Best Supporting Actress In A Motion Picture
Adriana Barraza for "Babel"
Cate Blanchett for "Notes On A Scandal"
Emily Blunt for "The Devil Wears Prada"
Jennifer Hudson for "Dreamgirls"
Rinko Kikuchi for "Babel"

Once again, I love this category. My two favorite performances this year were from relatively unknown actresses in Babel--Adriana Barraza and Rinko Kikuchi. They will break your heart with their doubly brilliant performances. Cate Blanchett lost last year in this category, so this might be their chance to repay her for that snub which she went on to win an Oscar for. Emily Blunt was adorable in Devil, but again, so was Meryl. Jennifer Hudson might win because I hear she steals the show, but personally, I am pulling for Adriana Barraza.

Best Supporting Actor In A Motion Picture
Ben Affleck for "Hollywoodland"
Eddie Murphy for "Dreamgirls"
Jack Nicholson for "The Departed"
Brad Pitt for "Babel"
Mark Wahlberg for "The Departed"

This award must go to Jack Nicholson for the year's most horrifying performance from an actor NOT in a horror movie.

Best Director - Motion Picture
Clint Eastwood for "Flags Of Our Fathers"
Clint Eastwood for "Letters From Iwo Jima"
Stephen Frears for "The Queen"
Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu for "Babel"
Martin Scorsese for "The Departed"

Scorsese is due, let him win them all right up and through the Oscars in March.

Best Television Series - Drama
24 (Fox)
Big Love (Hbo)
Grey's Anatomy (Abc)
Heroes (Nbc)
Lost (Abc)

24 was great last year and I hear Big Love is good too. Grey's is Grey's and will always be Grey's, which means it will always be a bridesmaid and never the bride. Lost had a tough year and people will always compare it to the first season that made everyone lose their minds. and besides, there's another show making people lose their minds this year and it's called Heroes. Save the cheerleader, Save the world fever swept the nation and expect them to sweep this category too!

Best Actress In A Television Series - Drama
Patricia Arquette for "Medium"
Edie Falco for "The Sopranos"
Evangeline Lilly for "Lost"
Ellen Pompeo for "Grey's Anatomy"
Kyra Sedgwick for " The Closer"

The first boring female category so far, and it always is, which is something of a downer. If Patricia wins I will vomit. Edie was brilliant last season so she should fully take it home, especially after her Emmy snub last September. I'm so happy to see Evangeline's name here, but people don't really feel like she's acting since SHE IS KATE. I think people get sick of Ellen Pompeo's Ally McBeal style whining so look for Kyra to be the only lady giving Edie a run for her money.

Best Actor In A Television Series - Drama
Patrick Dempsey for "Grey's Anatomy"
Michael C. Hall for "Dexter"
Hugh Laurie for "House"
Bill Paxton for "Big Love"
Kiefer Sutherland for "24"

Kiefer. Next.

Best Television Series - Comedy Or Musical
Desperate Housewives (Abc)
Entourage (Hbo)
The Office (Nbc)
Ugly Betty (Abc)
Weeds (Showtime)

The Office is clearly the most deserving show, but again, the Hollywood Foreign Press LOVES rewarding new buzz-worthy shows, like Ugly Betty. Expect it to win here and also expect a Best Actress win for America Ferrara.

Best Actress In A Television Series -Comedy Or Musical
Marcia Cross for "Desperate Housewives"
America Ferrera for "Ugly Betty"
Felicity Huffman for "Desperate Housewives"
Julia Louis-Dreyfus for "The New Adventures Of Old Christine"
Mary-Louise Parker for "Weeds"

See above.

Best Actor In A Television Series - Comedy Or Musical
Alec Baldwin for "30 Rock"
Zach Braff for "Scrubs"
Steve Carrell for "The Office"
Jason Lee for "My Name Is Earl"
Tony Shalhoub for "Monk"

EVERYONE is talking about Alec Baldwin and his performance in 30 Rock and something tells me it's enough talk to boost him past last year’s winner, Steve Carrell.

Best Supporting Actress In A Series, Mini-Series Or TV Movie
Emily Blunt for "Gideon's Daughter"
Toni Collette for "Tsunami, The Aftermath"
Katherine Heigl for "Grey's Anatomy"
Sarah Paulson for "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip"
Elizabeth Perkins for "Weeds"

I cannot explain how much I love Sarah Paulson on Studio 60. Also, I can't believe this is the only nomination the show received. Such a downer, so my fingers are crossed for her to win here and bring it home for the show, but many people might reward Toni Collette here for her work in Little Miss Sunshine since she can't win in that category. Although I hear Katherine Heigl’s performance when Denny died (sorry if that ruined the story for people, but I don’t even watch the show and I know that happened) was award worthy and you KNOW that was the episode submitted for her.

Best Supporting Actor In A Series, Mini-Series Or TV Movie
Thomas Haden Church for "Broken Trail"
Jeremy Irons for "Elizabeth I"
Justin Kirk for "Weeds"
Masi Oka for "Heroes"
Jeremy Piven for "Entourage"

Jeremy Piven is so 2005, Masi Oka's performance as Hiro on Heroes is the year's breakthrough and so deserving of a statue.


So who was snubbed you ask? Good question.

-Abagail Breslin for Little Miss Sunshine! She was literally the sunshine of the film, how can you not recognize that?!?

-Kristin Bell for Veronica Mars—but what else is new!

-Ali Larter or Hayden Panettiere for Heroes—there’s always next year ladies.

-United 93 for Best Picture. I know it’s polarizing, but it’s also brilliant!

-Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip—Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford for acting and one big nomination for Best TV Drama.

-John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer for The Office—Carrell is great, don’t get me wrong, but Jim and Pam are the heart and soul of that show.

-Friday Night Lights--It gets better and better every week

I'm sure I've left a few people out, so expect updates and feel free to tell me who you think should be on this list.

Letter from the Editor

Many have asked, so I am taking this chance to set the record straight. Any clown hired to tail me around the city will be killed. Straight up dead. So unless you want the blood of dead clowns on your hands, lets not and say we did, okay?

Terabithia is the new Agdashloo

Am I the only one who has never heard of this book? Well, apparently it's coming to theaters soon in an attempt to capitalize on the whole Narnia trend. Now, tons of books that I have never heard of are adapted into films and I don’t even bat an eye, but the thing that really caught my attention in the trailer were the words, "Based on the acclaimed, best selling novel"

Really, acclaimed? Best selling? Is that the same thing as calling it "an unheard of second-rate Narnia" cuz that's what the trailer makes it look like. OK, so these two kids who find this magical land full of CGI creatures don't even have to pass through a magical wardrobe to enter their land, it's just there, deep in the woods....like, wouldn't someone else have found this place already? The freakin' trees are walking *cough lord of the rings cough* and the animals wear helmets *cough narnia cough* and the kids have to save the land from some evil something or other *cough every child’s movie ever cough*

Oh, and when asked what they should call this new found land of enchantment, the little girl comes up with the name Terabithia on the spot, like she was just waiting to find a magical country and name it, I DON'T THINK SO! I already hate this movie.

And if I ever discover a magical place, I am fully naming it Agdashloo

Giving clowns a run for their money

First, an admission. I have been awake for almost 24 hours and might be delirious....however, after years of internal debate i have decided that i never want to go deep sea diving. i mean, think about it, you're voluntarily submerging yourself under hundreds of feet of water basically breathing through a piece of plastic. Additionally, you are surrounded by fish that will scare you, given the chance. and i'm not talking goldfish here people, these things have teeth. teeth that are just waiting for a person sandwich.

So lets count how many things can go wrong with this scenario........

Also considered: Lying-ocity

Merriam-Webster's #1 Word of the Year for 2006 based on votes from visitors to our Web site:
1. truthiness (noun)
1 : "truth that comes from the gut, not books" (Stephen Colbert, Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," October 2005)
2 : "the quality of preferring concepts or facts one wishes to be true, rather than concepts or facts known to be true" (American Dialect Society, January 2006)

Well, at least Dubya has done one thing right this year!

But does it really make it okay?

My contribution to Overheard in New York, thanks to the insanely loud hipsters at Cosmo's

The Get-Out-of-Jail Free Organ

Guy: I like Kevin Costner.
Girl: Me too, but I have a vagina, which makes it okay.

--54th & 9th

Overheard by: Trying to sleep

Rough go bro

Listen to the dude with the stache, the stache knows all about tough living

Wanna be on top?

OK, so it's time to fess up.....I really enjoy America's Next Top Model. It all started out innocently, I had to watch because my department always does a photo shoot with the winner and I wanted to know what was in store for me when I got to the shoot. Well, two seasons later I am fully hooked and it has nothing to do with my involvement with the winner. Last night the winner was announced and I couldn't have been happier

This is Caridee and she IS America's Next Top Model







Bubbly personality? Check! Amazing photos? Check! Hot as hell? Check! Check! Not Melrose? CHECK!

The only way I can explain the runner-up to people who didn't watch is by saying, imagine if Tracy Flick from Election tried to become a model--the overachieving, the knock others down so she can succeed, the talent but not the passion. Yup, that's Melrose and while she did take good photos every now and then, but sometimes she looked like this...bad news bears


So here's to Caridee, the deserving winner, and here's to me, cuz I get to meet her in January!

Live blogging my day

The following events take place between 7:30 am and 9: 30pm. All events occur in real time.

Since today will be one of the longest days of my life, I am taking a cue from 24 and Jack Bauer, and keeping you apprised of all the events that I deem noteworthy.....and less than noteworthy.

7:50-I've arrived at the office, thanks to Stellan, my Russian car driver. He likes to speak Russian over his motorola Blue Tooth while I nap in the back.

8:30-I've just done my first of two radio shows this morning--talked about Britney Spears and Pam Anderson. I said Britney puts the "ass" in "class"......can you say ass on the radio?? FCC, come and get it!

8:45-I contemplate eating the bagel I picked up at Bagel Stix this morning....I decide to have a little will power and eat it after my next radio interview.

9:10-Just finished the second radio interview, didn't curse during this one, I'm scared of the FCC now, I am living in a state of fear, much like Janet Jackson does I'd imagine....although that probably has more to do with her father than anything else.

10:30--Just got out of my morning staff meeting--found out lots of juicy tidbits about the peeps we are covering in the magazine this week--including who Nicole Richie was making out with this weekend....for more pick up the newest issue of InTouch weekly, on stands Wednesday (hehe)

10:45-Just regaled my co-workers with my tales of headbutting strangers in Time Square this weekend.....sometimes you just gotta clear a path people!

11-Ah, a 15 minute conversation about The Real World: Denver. Is it just me, or aren't these kids the craziest housemates since Las Vegas? I mean Alex has already hooked up with Colie, who is single-handedly redefining low self-esteem, and Jen, who lets face it, is just a big ho. I mean who says, "and I'm like, 'oh my god, i'm having sex"' COME ON GIRL! Get your act together. And my co-workers and I are in agreement that we loved Davis, the gay southern baptist until we see that next week he uses the N-word...Kramer's influence has extended to the MTV generation kiddies! watch out!

11:10--Ew, I do not want to hear about Rosie O'Donnell's colonoscopy. Bitch, you aren't Katie Couric--at least we didn't have to see Rosie's O'Colon

11:26--The Killers' When you were young is playing on my Virgin Internet Radio, i dunno, i had high hopes for their new album, but it's just not as good as the electro-synth-goodness of the first album. PS--Shave that LAME stash Brandon Flowers

11:28-my assistant just brought my supplies, she's the best in the biz man--plus, she loves the same crappy TV I do!

11:34-George Clooney's pig, Max, has passed away at the ripe ol' age of 18 and someone in my office makes this "joke"
"Well, I guess George is having bacon for dinner" That's just wrong on so many levels lady!!

11:38-a coworker just brought me soap and toothpaste as a thank you for a DVD I gave her last week--forget sexy, I'm bringing bartering back, yea!

11:50-Ah, a break from the Brit pop on my internet radio--a little Stones' Paint it Black--is it just me or have the Rolling Stone become less of a band and more of joke as they keep aging in the same leather pants they had in 76' and Keith Richards falls out of coconut tress????

11:52-Oh, i just realized that I should probably point out to some friends that I am wearing my blue Puma track jacket today--and I LOVE IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

12:07-went to pee and there was a guy in the stall talking on his cell phone, and as if that wasn't bad enough he told then dude on the other end of the phone, "nah, it's cool, i'm just taking a shit" For the record: No dude, it's not cool.

12:33-strange rumor of the day: A "reimagining" of the Short Circuit film series, Johnny 5 is (unfortunately) alive!

12:44-There is a girl who works in my building that Jaime and I call, "Neopolitan" because her hair is the colors of Neopolitan ice cream--brown at the roots, white in the middle and pink on bottom.....what "look" is she really going for? do you think she asked her hair dresser to make her look "delicious"?

12:58-To address the question, "You have an assistant?" The answer is yes. She works for my department and is the Fashion and Beauty assistant. FYI--I am extremely important and have an office too!!!

1:06-I am now just realizing how late I might be here tonight, which blows aside from the obivous reasons because tonight is the fall finale of HEROES and I am dying to know which Hero is going to be killed this evening--my money is on Niki's husband, the dude who can walk through walls, cuz last time we saw him, there was a rifle trained on his skull.....although something tells me that he'll hear the gunshot, go all clear and the bullet will pass right through him.....into Mika perhaps? Nah, they don't kill kids on TV. Ok, so either D.L. or The Haitian who can suppress people from using their powers in his vicinity. Truthfully, I'd love for Nathan to get killed, soooooooo not into his character, but me thinks he's gunna go all evil at some point and force Peter to kill him.....that would be fraktastic!

1:09-Ordered Pad Thai for lunch, yummers!

1:15-I like the word INTERLOPER--not what it means, i like how it sounds

1:31-The Thai place isn't open--stupid New Jersey! But K.T. Tunstall (not Turnstall as I learned) is on my radio--I really like her voice

1:42-My coworker got a talking Stewie Griffin pen, I want one! "You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile"

1:49-Just listened to J.Lo's new Spanish single, Que teramo, or Que Sedilla, or something like that....I dont know why but Spanish music just doesn't work for me. I am not saying that there's no place for it, because 87% of the population is Spanish speaking, or will be next year or something astronomical like that. It just doesn't connect with me which is odd because i am half Spanish, i can get down with my roots and do a mean flamenco, but having said that, I like my J.Lo like I like my jello, Raspberry Flavored....and yes, that made NO SENSE--it's getting to be that time kiddies, I've been at this for a couple of hours and am loving it, like McDonalds, but here marks the moment of incoherant rambling--PREPARE YOURSELF!

2pm--LESBO ALERT!!!!!! I just watched my friend Jaime check out another female co-worker, Amanda, as we walked by. When I called her on it, she replied, "No, I was just looking at her pants. I am in the market for some high-waisted denim trousers and I wanted to see if that's what hers were." While I'm not sure whether or not Amanda's pants were in fact high-wsited denim trousers, I can say with certainty that Jaime seems to be in the process of coming out of the closet....but it's still to be seen what kind of pants she'll be sporting once she emerges.

2:05--"For once I want to be the car crash, not always just the traffic jam" A line from Snow Patrol's Headlights on Dark Roads--I was reminded of this because I saw an ambulence pass by with it's sirens on, and I always hate when you're behind an ambulence that has sirens a-blaring and then they are turned off......never a good sign. Another bad sign, "Beware of Blind Pedestrians"

2:18-Random thought: In publishing, a sequence of periods that connects two thoughts are called Ellipses but how does one write Ellipses in when typing in Braille?

3:05-Have you ever eated food out of spite? cuz i just did--i spite the food and i ate it to be cruel....although i don't think that's logical in any way whatsoever

3:26-I didn't need this information Elijah--"The man sweats a lot.He actually comes with two T-shirts extra, so he'll
work for, like, a couple of hours, work up a sweat, take off the T-shirt midway through, put on another one, get back to work again." ELIJAH WOOD was stunned by hirsute HAPPY FEET co-star ROBIN WILLIAMS' profuse sweating.

3:50-Aw yea! New Candle up in my office!!!!! Say hello to my terry robe scented candle--don't know why it's called that, but it smells AMAZING!

5:10-Ok, things are starting to get crazy here, this might be my last post.....but who knows, things here change faster than Britney Spears' sexual preference!

9:42-It's 9:42, do you know where your children are? if you're my father, the answer is, still at work, cranking away on two Billboard Music Award Fashion spreads.....I hope to have tomorrow off

....Back with more soon!

Quote of the Day

"Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?"

-Will Ferrell talking to Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Gore and Ben Affleck, about Lindsay Lohan