What will your favorite celebrity be doing in 2007?

Well, it was a banner year for celebrities of every kind of ilk; true actors like Edward Norton and Cate Blanchett, ones that haven’t acted in a good film in some time like Kate Hudson and people who are famous for being famous, I’m talking to you Paris! So after much ado was made of them during the last year for their hook-up’s, break-up’s and often panty-less antics, this is the only place where you can find out what the future has in store for the stars that dominate the headlines.

Brangelina
Disappointed when their latest adoption goes awry because Madonna swoops in and takes the kid from underneath their noses, Brad and Ange will begin to adopt unexpected tots. Dakota Fanning becomes the first non-parentless child the duo snaps up, soon followed by
Little Miss Sunshine’s Abigail Breslin, and Sean Preston Federline and his brother, Jayden James.

Britney Spears
After losing custody of her two children to Angelina Jolie, Britney attempts to get her life in order and keep her vagina under-wraps. Unfortunately, she errs when it comes to fully grasping the term, “under wraps” and thus she inadvertently starts 2007’s hottest trend—putting Baja Fresh wraps in pants.

Lindsay Lohan
After a feeble attempt to curtail her drinking through Kabbalah, Scientology and half-heartedly paying attention in Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, LiLo decides to try another route and becomes the most famous Amish celebrity working today in the Oscar winning film,
A Girl, A Boy and a Butter-churn.

George Clooney
After running out of women to sleep with, George goes involuntarily celibate before realizing that he still hasn’t slept with 50% of the population—men! And so begins Clay Aiken’s fantasy.

The Simpson Sisters
The duo that “allegedly” went under the knife (or needle) of every plastic surgeon in California misguidedly decide that another struggling profession needs their support: The anti-plastic surgery association of America.

Justin Timberlake
Not content with simply bringing sexy back, Justin tries, and fails, to bring the following things back in 2007: Apathy, Jelly sandals, minstrel shows and morbid obesity.

Ben & Jen: Part 2
Following his Best Supporting Actor Oscar win for his role as George Reeves in Hollywoodland, Ben Affleck gets a little cocky and decides to star with Jennifer Garner in a sequel to Gigli that he brilliantly calls Gigli 2: Electric Boogaloo—and stunningly ends up winning 2008’s Oscar for Best Screenplay!!!!!

TomKat
Following a string of high-profile film flops, Tom Cruise becomes a stay-at-home dad while Katie becomes the most successful Scientologist/actor thanks to her mind-blowing portrayal of Scientology god Xenu. This leads Tom to file for divorce, because as everyone knows, Tom CAN NOT be married to someone more successful than him—so he quickly takes up with Kristin Cavallari while Katie writes a tell-all book that becomes more popular than the Bible.

Jennifer Aniston
The actress continues to bore me well into the new year—while also dating a string of men that all leave her for their hotter co-stars, thus instilling a fear of abandonment in her that turns Jennifer Aniston into Hollywood’s most successful prostitute.

Nicole Richie
After a brief weight-gain, a sex tape of Nicole Richie is leaked and she decides to make the most of the situation and sell it. Unfortunately the tape actually loses money for Richie since no one wants to see a bag of bones get done doggy style and she spirals into an anorexic depression and was last seen falling through a sewer grate.

Anna Nicole Smith
After a turbulent year that saw the death of her son just days after the birth of her daughter, Anna Nicole had high-hopes for 2007—unfortunately for the grandpa-fucker, she soon finds out that the Trim-Spa she had been taking for the last two years has an unexpected side-effect: Spontaneous Combustion.