The perfect flava

OK, so last night was the reunion special of Flavor of Love, and when I say "special" I mean it! The show was mostly boring, with the girls trying to get Flava Flav to explain to them why he didn't pick them, Krazy singing (badly!) and Saaphyri talking about the Anger Management certificate she got last week and how she doesn't fight anymore.....well, that was before New York came out!

Once New York, a.k.a. Tiffany came out, all hoochie hell broke loose and it was the best 15 minutes of TV in the history of time! I shizz you not! To kick things off, when she walked out, BuckWild threw her shoe at her and it whizzed by her head, nearly missing LaLa, who hosted the ho-fest. Now, I never knew this, but i love LaLa, not only is her name an Ashlee Simpson song, but she fully regulated, telling the girls not to disrespect her, because she'll beat a bitch down!

Then it was Deelishis' (how do you pluralize THAT name?) turn to "talk" to New York, who had called D's mom "an alien" and made fun of Deslishis' birth mark, calling it a "shit stained eye" (which, lets face it, is sorta accurate). Deelishis starts off somewhat controlled, until the talk turns to her mother and then she loses it, in a big way. She tries to get up and approach New York to talk but the Springer-esque security guards hold her back, while she screams, "I just wanna talk to her". Now i do actually believe that she just wanted to talk to NY, but as she admits later, the emotions of the moment just took hold of her and that's why she is seen repeatedly trying to Tiki Barber her way past the 6'3'' security force and rip out NY's weave. But the best moment has to be when Bootz literally throws herself at the security force, to get a hold of NY. And she doesn't do this just once, but she then hurls her mini-body at her a second time and is caught in the air like a medicine ball in gym class. Check it out


Needless to say, the room had to be cleared over the break of Deelishis, Bootz, Buckeey and Saaphyri--now here's the weird thing, Saaphyri, the one who "got a certificate" from anger management wasn't even on the show with New York because she was kicked out in episode one for beating up some poor, unassuming white girl, who truly didn't see it coming. So what's her beef? Who cares, it's another reason to check out a reminder of that AWESOMENESS!


Well, at the end of the episode we're told that New York is getting her own Bachelorette-inspired show called, you guessed it, "I Love New York" which is a brilliant name and I can't wait to see that cuz you know, New York is always happy to open it's gates and allow the poor, huddled masses to congregate under it's giant canopy...or in her case, Va-Jay-Jay

FLAVA FLAV!!!!!!!

BTW--this story broke my computers Spellcheck

Puss in Boobs

Remember when Janeane Garofalo said in The Truth About Cats And Dogs, "You can love your pet, just don't LOVE your pet"? Well, apparently these ladies didn't get the memo. In a shocking display of an entire subculture that I was completely and blissfully unaware of, called 'Cats N' Racks", these ladies simply adore putting their cats between their breasts and taking pictures while the kitty naps in their nook. I don't know about you but if you ever cross paths with these ladies, keep an eye on your pet, because while your back is turned, she will totally swipe that bitch and toss it in her dirty pillows.

Thud

You'd think that in today's day of heightened intelligence, people would know the difference between a glass door and a glass wall. But alas, if they did, I would not have had the distinct pleasure of watching a woman walk face first into a glass panel today and falling down. Classic

Note: The woman above is NOT my co-worker

TyPrah

I am not an avid Oprah watcher, but every year when her "Favorite Things" episode comes around, you know I'll have my ass planted in front of the TV for what will be the best hour of the year. Why, you ask? It's not because I love the act of giving, or because I think it's amazing that Oprah is such a generous human being and she's so good to give back, blah blah blah. It's because that hour is the only time you will see an audience of 100 women reduced to sniveling, screaming, crying little girls that put the TRL-pack to shame. And the cherry on top of the already crazy sundae is how superior Oprah acts the whole time, "YOU'RE GETTING MY FAVORITE GINGERBREAD COOKIES! YOU'RE GETTING ONE, AND YOU'RE GETTING ONE, AND YOU'RE GETTING ONE" She's a latter day saint in her own mind. But when you think about it, you know the ONLY reason O does this episode is to have 100 women graveling at her feet, "yes Oprah, puhleeze tell me what your favorite things are, and if you'd be so kind as to give some to me?" it's like that scene in Oliver when the little orphan asks, "Please Sir, Can I have some mo?"

"Yes, you can," Oprah replies from her gold-plated throne but not before you're head explodes from sheer excitement.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to act like a shrieking banshee, Tyra Banks took a jab at my favorite hour of TV and continues to convince me that there is nothing she won't do? Mammograms on TV? Sure! Going undercover as a stripper? Sure! Jump around sans brassiere? YOU KNOW IT!

Um, You Did Do It

I remember sitting in Spanish Class, listening to the OJ Simpson verdict being read over the loudspeaker and the shock that I felt when that murderer was acquitted. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit MY ASS! Since OJ officially became the posterboy for Guilty Celebs getting off scott-free, he has indulged in some truly heinous ways of making extra dough, ie: Signing autographs at a Horror Convention for $10, releasing a porno tape of him with two hookers, his spin on Punk'd called Juice'd which was a glorified Hidden Camera show where the big play off was OJ would put people in awkward situations (like making them drive down the LA freeway with a gun wielding murderer in the backseat who is threatening to kill himself and you) and then saying it was all a joke and telling people they'd been "Juice'd"--since when does OJ need to go out of his way to scare people?--and then there was the OJ Simpson line of steak knives that somehow never made it off the ground. Well, today comes the truly disturbing news that Mr. Murderer, I mean, Mr. Simpson has decided to pen a novel. No, it's not an autobiography about the hell his life has become since strangers started running away from him on the street or a book that TRIES to elicit sympathy. He has decided to write a "hypothetical" book about what would transpired IF he killed Nicole Brown Simpson called, "IF I DID IT". I know celebs do a lot of questionable things like selling pics of your dead child, using a porno to raise funds to save your house or let your boob hang out on the red carpet, but this has to be the most vile way a "star" has ever tried to earn money.....unless you count The Chevy Chase Show.

The former football great, who was acquitted in criminal court 11 years ago of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, reportedly has been paid a whopping $3.5 million to write about the double murder that shocked and riveted the nation in 1994, according to a detailed report in the new National Enquirer. But Simpson is not actually confessing to the murder -- rather, he's writing a "hypothetical" book -- which the Enquirer reports is tentatively being called "If I Did It." The early part of the book tells how Simpson fell in love with Nicole and how the marriage collapsed, reports the tab. He goes on, according to the article, to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman; he stipulates that the murder scenes are "hypothetical." But, notes the tab, the descriptions are "so detailed and so chillingly realistic" that readers are left with little doubt as to what really happened.


EW! EW! EW! Do you think his editor had to keep changing his copy and putting in the word "allegedly" because his sentences always came across as fact?

"And then I was standing over Nicole's body and realized the cops were closing in, so I had to jump into a white bronco and speed away." ALLEGEDLY!

Cute Overload

It's a scientific fact that there is nothing cuter than a Baby Panda Fairy. You could try and think of something cuter, but you would not succeed.

Rockin' my clock

I heart Shohreh Aghdashloo and I know you do too!

KFC: Killing Freakin Chickens

sometimes Brad and I talk about things other than movies, sports and TV--here is one of those conversations

SS4EVAU16: i am so hungry
Jarett Wieselman: me too
SS4EVAU16: i have to wait till 7
Jarett Wieselman: i just talked about fast food for 30 minutes with coworkers and how i can't eat KFC anymore
Jarett Wieselman: now i want chicken in a baaaaad way
SS4EVAU16: why can't you eat kfc?
Jarett Wieselman: i read a PETA flyer about how the chickens are treated, it's just like how veal is treated, and now i can't eat it anymore,
SS4EVAU16: fuck that
Jarett Wieselman: i can't, it's wrong
SS4EVAU16: if anything that should get you to eat veal not stop eating chicken
Jarett Wieselman: and it's just KFC, i can still eat roy rogers, wendys and such
Jarett Wieselman: i have never eaten veal
SS4EVAU16: right, they treat it differently
SS4EVAU16: you are being stupid
Jarett Wieselman: thats what i mean, i dont eat veal for the same reasons that i now dont eat KFC
Jarett Wieselman: they do, it's a fact
Jarett Wieselman: it's science
SS4EVAU16: i know, but you already have eaten it and know how good it is, just imagine how good veal is
SS4EVAU16: you not eating it isn't going to stop people from making it so why punish yourself
Jarett Wieselman: i know, but at least i'm not contributing--you have to think that you can make a difference, that's why people need to vote, if you vote there's a chance others will too--well, if i stop eating KFC there's a chance others will too and that will send a message to the KFC people and they can start raising the chickens under the guidelines of the FDA
SS4EVAU16: but haven't you realized that "one person can make a difference" is total bull
SS4EVAU16: it's been proven in 2 straight elections
SS4EVAU16: and everything else that needs changing
Jarett Wieselman: i know it doesn't work, but should that stop people from trying to make a difference--plus, it makes a difference to me, so i should keep it up
SS4EVAU16: nah
SS4EVAU16: but you have already contributed to it in the past
Jarett Wieselman: i know, but that's not a reason to keep doing something, regardless of what the Bush Admin tells us
SS4EVAU16: but how do you know peta is reporting the truth
SS4EVAU16: you have no proof, they could just make shit up
Jarett Wieselman: because they have videos of the KFC factories on their website and the KFC people have even acknowledged that their factories don't raise em' right-
SS4EVAU16: so let me get this straight
Jarett Wieselman: there's a loophole in the Cruelty against animals act that doesn't cover chickens, so KFC is free to do whatever they want to them
12:05 PM
SS4EVAU16: you are ok with eating chickens that are killed humanely but won't eat chickens that are killed barbarically
Jarett Wieselman: exactly
SS4EVAU16: they being killed either way so what does it matter
Jarett Wieselman: i am not against eating chicken
Jarett Wieselman: but dont they deserve to have a quality of life while they're alive--they are pumped with hormones to make their bodies big so they can seel more chicken--and they aren't allowed to walk, so their legs are underdeveloped and they can't hold their weight on their legs--so they never move
SS4EVAU16: so why do you care how it's prepared
Jarett Wieselman: i mean, that's the worst thing i've ever heard
Jarett Wieselman: because it's barbaric
Jarett Wieselman: and they dont HAVE to
Jarett Wieselman: it's a choice they make
SS4EVAU16: but they are going to be killed anyway
Jarett Wieselman: plenty of other corporations raise chicken under humane circumstances, and KFC can to, they just choose not to because it's better for their profits
SS4EVAU16: so why would they stop
SS4EVAU16: killing is killing
SS4EVAU16: dying sucks no matter how it happens
Jarett Wieselman: i'm not debating the decision to own a chicken slaughterhouse and kill chicken, i am saying that KFC can do it in a humane way and they choose not to
SS4EVAU16: but if you are against the way they treat them how can you not be against them killing the chickens to. they are blatantly buying the chickens to kill them which if you are ok with the idea of the death of the chicken why should you care about the way they die
Jarett Wieselman: it's like this--if you bring a pet to a vet to be put down, should they get the drugs that make them drift off to sleep or be beaten with bats until they die a long, bloody death--it's a choice to go about things in a humane way, no like a caveman
SS4EVAU16: BUT YOU ARE EATING THE CHICKEN LIKE A CAVEMAN you aren't eating the dog
SS4EVAU16: if the purpose is for consumers enjoyment i want the best product
SS4EVAU16: i will assume from your lack of response you realize you are wrong
Jarett Wieselman: sorry, i was smoking
Jarett Wieselman: this convo stressed me out so i went and got a bucket of chicken
SS4EVAU16: haha
Jarett Wieselman: jk
SS4EVAU16: hahaha
SS4EVAU16: and dipped my face in it
Jarett Wieselman: yes, that's exactly what i wanted, a big fried face
SS4EVAU16: haha

Nukem and Pukem

Normally I like to consider myself "above" these kinds of foods. You know, the types of meal that might cause one to have a coronary, but there is something about the idea of a sausage wrapped in a pancake, covered in chocolate that sounds delicious and to make it even more tempting, it's on a frickin' stick! Who doesn't love eating foods on sticks for the simple fact that IT'S ON A STICK! It’s the best! Don't judge, you know that if this meal were on a plate instead of a stick you'd be ordering it to cure that raging hangover you have!

you know you've thought about it

I just saw Andy Rooney talk about his love of carrots as a child on 60 Minutes.....when does that horse get put out to pasture?