A: What is bitter

Q: Ken Jennings is?

Everyone remembers weird Mormon Ken Jennings. He was the guy everyone was convinced HAD to be a robot. He lasted on Jeopardy longer than anyone in the history of time which I believe infuriated Alex Trebek to no end. Well apparently Alex isn't the only hater in this game--on his official blog Ken Jennings posted a bizarre rant about how out-of-date Jeopardy is and provided several ways to spruce it up. Now, this is of no interest to me, but what does interest me greatly is the open attack Ken put upon Mr "I am edgy now, I shaved off my moustache" Trebek. From Ken Jennings blog:

"Finally, Alex. I know, I know, the old folks love him. Nobody knows he died in that fiery truck crash a few years back and was immediately replaced with the Trebektron 4000 (I see your engineers still can’t get the mustache right, by the way.) But that’s beside the point: “Alex” is the franchise. You can’t just bring in Ryan Seacrest without warning, more’s the pity. But I think a few little host tweaks would do a lot of good."

Oooh, burn! Now as if that wasn't bad enough, the reformed Mormon--I imagine, only because from what I know of the religion, they are not allowed soda, computers or emotions of any kind--sarcastically apologized for his attack on Trebek by saying this:

"Also, from our July 19 column: we regret the insinuation that Mr. Alex Trebek is a robot, and has been since 2004. Mr. Trebek’s robotic frame does still contain some organic parts, many harvested from patriotic Canadian schoolchildren, so this technically makes him a “cyborg,” not a “robot.” Ken-Jennings.com regrets the error."

So now Ken Jennings joins the illustrious ranks of Funniest Mormon's alongside: Napoleon Dynamite's star Jon Heder and Director, Jared Hess and Julie, the crazy Mormon from Real World who LITERALLY tried to kill Veronica during MTV's The Inferno

The "T" is silen

I'm a big fan of The Colbert Report, not only because Stephen's last name is pronounced Colber so he felt it important to also make the "T" in Report a thing of the past, but because he, like Mr. Stewart, speaks for the generation of American's who are sick and tired of inane reporting. After all the controversy surrounding Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather, I am feeling that these true newsmen are no longer reporting on politics, but playing them. Much has also been make about what Katie Couric’s going to cover in the fall in her new position on CBS? I don't give a fuck. How about Meredith Vieira? Is she going to provide The Today Show with some much-needed "serious journalism"? The woman who would openly talk about her orgasms and blowjobs on The View?!?! I don’t think so--she’s basically a glorified phone sex operator. So it's nice to see that I am not the only one who feels The Morning "News" Shows are becoming more or less filler until at 11 o' clock America gets to hear the 12 words they've been waiting for, "Come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price Is Right!" So check out this clip (it's a little long but soooo worth it) of The Colbert Report tackling the issue of "serious" journalism.

A hot mess

Natasha
Originally uploaded by sbmpx1.

You'd think that after having a very public battle with heroin, Hep C and general skankyness, and the ensuing concern for her healthy and well-being, Natasha Lyonne would put more effort into looking like she had reformed, no?

Ms. Jackson if you're nasty–-and he is

Janet Jackson has lost around 80lbs and looks pretty good once again (update: better now?). If she could only get rid of that homley growth underneath her arm, she'd be set!

What's red and blue and cool all over?

In my opinion Superman II is to this day one of the greatest superhero movies of all time. It introduced the law of the sequel; Multiply the villains from the first film to equal awesomeness (i.e.: Batman Returns, X-Men 2, Anacondas 2--two words: "Snake Orgy", and yes that is a direct quote). It has a brilliant villain;


I mean don't the words "All Hail General Zod" still instill fear in you? And while the movie has an absolutely perfect script, faultless acting and edge-of-your-seat pacing, the film is home to some truly ridiculous moments. When Zod and his posse are literally blowing away the citizens of Metropolis, not only do those average joes continue to come out of the shops and act surprised by the gale force wind but one guy actually continues to talk, in hysterical laughter, on a pay phone once the box is turned on its side and blown down the street. Even crazier ridiculousness occurs in a scene in the Fortress of Solitude after Lois discovers Superman's true identity.

Superman tells Lois she can have anything she wants for dinner, and he promptly flies to what I can only imagine is a Kings Supermarket because he comes back with a brown paper bag full of groceries. SIDENOTE: Can you imagine Superman standing in line asking if the coupon he clipped out of the Sunday Daily Planet is good for 2-for-1 Chicken Pot Pies. Anyway, after he gets back, he and Lois sit down to a very nice dinner. Um, really? Exactly where in The Fortress is there a stove & sink? Are we to expect that Jor-El, in all his infinite wisdom, thought in advance that he should imprint the Fortress creation crystal with a Kenmore kitchen swanky enough to be given away during the Showcase Showdown. As if this wasn't bad enough after Lois says, "I'm going to change into something more comfortable" and then presumably dashes into the Fortress of Solitude's guest bedroom, she and Clark mosey on over TO THE BEDROOM. Again, good looking out Jor-El. If you thought I was going to stop there, you'd be wrong. Because Clark must have popped into Sylvester’s Silk Shack on his way back from The Kings because THIS is his bed

Isn't it crazy that even fucking Superman has to pull out all the stops just to get a neurotic reporter who doesn't even have enough sense to see past the "I can't be Superman, I wear glasses" facade.

And these are just a few of the reasons why Bryan Singer's Superman pales in comparison.

The Wow Factor

I find myself in awe at least once a day. I am always impressed by folks who are capable of feats that I am not. Anyone who can effortlessly play a symphony on the piano, fluently speak a foreign language, make their own clothes from scraps of material (yes, I am totally in love with Project Runway) and create breathtaking works of art out of nothing more than a blank canvas and some paint. Now, yes, I do possess some skills that others do not; how many people can recall all the names of each episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, or play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with alarming accuracy. But when I came across this video I got my awe-fix for the day, I mean, THIS. IS. INCREDIBLE.

Bad Idea Jeans

Adventures in Babysitting is one of my favorite movies of all time. As a kid, I so wanted to be stuck in a car with Elisabeth Shue, mostly because she was the first woman I ever saw nekked in Cocktail but i digress. It wasn't your typical "kid's movie". It was sorta violent, had tons of scary elements--hello J.P Pruitt, a.k.a dude with a hook hand, the abusive hubby who chased the kids around the hospital, the gang member who stabbed Brad in the foot, the chop shop and the tiny sub-plot about Elisabeth Shue's character looking just like the Playboy Playmate of the month.

Now comes word that the movie is going to be re-made and instead of choosing a cool, indy actress to take over for Ms. Shue like Zooey Deschanel or Chloe Sevigny the producers have decided to cast Raven-Symone


BAD IDEA! Her very presence implies that this movie will be more schlock than shock. The jokes will more than likely be gag-oriented and you can bet your bottom that there will be no Chop-Shop, no foot stabbing, no abusive husbands chasing kids around and you can be damn sure that Raven won't be able to climb up a rope with the same dexterity that Lizzy Shue did. I mean, that would have to be one tough rope.

Now I am all for remakes; I totally dug The Dawn of the Dead, The Grudge, The Longest Yard and Ocean's 11. Having said that, there are certain movies that can't be taken out of their time, things that were acceptable back in the 80's would no longer fly today and I for one don't want to see Adventures in Baby-sitting's good name sullied.

Emmy Schmemmy

Today is like the NBA draft for TV lovers--the announcement of the nominees for the 58th Annual Emmy Awards!!!!! Everyone was all tingly because a new system was put in place this year to try and bring some new blood to the show, which in recent years has become dry, stale and old--much like perennial nominees West Wing, Will & Grace and Monk. So, did the new system work?? Did much deserving shows like Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls and Rome make the cut? Nope, not even a little bit. Sure Rome got a bunch of technical awards but nothing for Polly Walker who is so devilishly evil as Attia even Satan is shaking in his hell-boots. And nada, zip, zero, zilch for Veronica (the best written show on TV) or Lauren Graham (sooo overlooked for her amazing work on Gilmore). What's worse is that last year's Best Drama Winner--Lost--wasn't even nominated this year?!?!?! WTF people! What is this short-attention span theatre?? So I will go category by category and weigh in with my opinions on the nominees, the winner and the snubs!

Drama Series:
Grey's Anatomy
House
The Sopranos
24
The West Wing

--I can live with these 5, granted Lost should have been included, but its not like they gave away the fifth slot to NCIS or something completely unworthy. Having said that, the trend this year seems to favor Grey's Anatomy and The Emmy's love to be the first to acknowledge a show, so look for Meredith Grey's next inner-monologue to go something like this; "I'd like to thank the academy"

Comedy Series:
Arrested Development
Curb Your Enthusiasm
The Office
Scrubs
Two and a Half Men

--well, well, well, looky what we have here, the presumed dead Arrested Development. What surprises me more this year than any before is how many nominations went to shows that AREN'T EVEN ON THE AIR ANYMORE! Count em; Six Feet Under, Arrested Development, Will & Grace, Malcolm in the Middle, Commander in Chief, The West Wing, The Comeback and Out Of Practice) But out of all of these, Arrested is the most deserving, but I think The Office has the momentum behind it, so I think the amazing staff of Dunder Mifflin will be putting an Emmy next to Dwight's bobble head doll.

Reality-Competition Program:
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing with the Stars
Project Runway
Survivor

--Amazing Race always wins, but wouldn't it be awesome to see Heidi Klum get up on stage and say, "In Fashion, one day you're in, the next, you're out," and then turn to the other nominees and scream, "YOU'RE OUT!" And then laugh maniacally as she floated off the stage

Actor, Drama Series:
Christopher Meloni, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Denis Leary, Rescue Me
Peter Krause, Six Feet Under
Kiefer Sutherland, 24
Martin Sheen, The West Wing

--HUZZAH for Christopher Meloni! He's so good on SVU; volitile yet endearing, brash yet soft-spoken, ethical yet willing to bend the rules--he seamlessly weaves these characteristics together to create a multi-layered Det. Stabler but Kiefer is gunna win. Simply put, Agent Jack Bauer will beat the shit out of a NYPD Sex Crimes officer.

Actress, Drama Series:
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Geena Davis, Commander in Chief
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Frances Conroy, Six Feet Under
Allison Janney, The West Wing

--Zzzzzzzzzz, so bored. Sleeping through this category! Where's Kristin Bell! Where's Edie Falco! Where's Rome's Polly Walker! I just thank the Lord that Patricia Arquette didn't get nominated, that would have sent me running for the razors. Mariska will never ascend beyond "Golden Globe" winner. Geena's show was great, then blew, then disappeared, I can't believe she got nominated for basically the 4 episodes that actually aired! Janney needs to stop winning, if she wins AGAIN I will cry. So that leaves the awesome Kyra (from a show I don't watch) and Frances who was amazing in the final season of Six Feet Under and should win. The problem? It was so freakin' long ago! Who even remembers he emotional breakdown at the dinner table after Nate died? I do, but does enough of the academy? I think that they will simply remember how amazing the final episode was and maybe toss it a writing or directing win. So Kyra, how many degrees of away is Kevin from your Emmy?

Supporting Actor, Drama Series:
William Shatner, Boston Legal
Oliver Platt, Huff
Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos
Gregory Itzin, 24
Alan Alda, The West Wing

--Shatner won't three-peat, Huff is fluff, Christopha ain't nothin without Aid. So that leaves us with Alan and Gregory: I think Arkin's day in the sun has come and gone and President Logan will cap his impeachment with an Emmy!

Supporting Actress, Drama Series:
Candice Bergen, Boston Legal
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy
Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy
Blythe Danner, Huff
Jean Smart, 24

--Candy Bergen won 545854 Emmy's as Murphy Brown, so she’s set. Sandra and Chandra will cancel each other out, hell, even their names split 5 letters. Blythe mysteriously won last year so I think the AMAZING Martha Logan (Jean Smart) will get an Emmy to balance out the one her fictional TV hubby will win. Maybe they'll have fights with their Emmy's like they're light sabers!

Actor, Comedy Series:
Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Kevin James, The King of Queens
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Steve Carell, The Office
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

--Curb did nothing to peak my enthusiasm this season, Kevin James looks lost, he's all, "where am I? Why am I getting accolades?" I am so sick of hearing about Monk, love Tony Shalhoub, hate the show. Charlie Sheen likes to beat up women and make them dress as cheerleaders, I can't believe he even rubbed out a nomination. Steve Carell, the funniest man in Primetime TV, the winner of this night, and many nights to come.

Actress, Comedy Series:
Lisa Kudrow, The Comeback
Jane Kaczmarek, Malcolm in the Middle
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
Stockard Channing, Out of Practice
Debra Messing, Will & Grace

--I was wrong, THIS is a snoozer of a category. What is it about Emmy voters that makes them ignore the GREAT female performances and stick with the laaaaaaame ones??? This is where we SHOULD have seen Lauren Graham, and at least one Desperate Housewife--my choice would have been Marcia Cross--That's not to say I'm not thrilled with Lisa's nomination, because I am. The Comeback was so underrated, good for you! Ditto for Julia Louis-Dreyfus, like the show, laugh with it, keep up the good work. Dear Debra Messing, you haven't been funny since you had the baby and clearly stopped giving the 110% that made you so good in the first 4 seasons. Stockard Channing? No, no, no. Jane might get it because people feel that she was robbed for the last 10 years of the show, seriously, this show ran for 10 years? WTF! But I think she will walk away empty handed as Julia gets it. People love a Comeback (sorry Val, not yours) and breaking the Seinfeld curse makes her doubly worthy.

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series:
Will Arnett, Arrested Development
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Bryan Cranston, Malcolm in the Middle
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Sean Hayes, Will & Grace

--Piven. Next!

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series:
Cheryl Hines, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Alfre Woodard, Desperate Housewives
Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds, Showtime
Megan Mullally, Will & Grace

--Again, snooze! I will say Megan Mullally because those old academy members love a good drunk whore.

Guest Actor in a Comedy Series:
Patrick Stewart, Extras
Ben Stiller, Extras
Martin Sheen, The West Wing
Alec Baldwin, Will & Grace
Leslie Jordan, Will & Grace

--Oh god, I hope Patrick Stewart wins--when he said, "Make it so" and smiled like a giddy schoolboy I almost peed my pants

Guest Actor, Drama Series:
Michael J. Fox , Boston Legal
Christian Clemenson, Boston Legal
James Woods, ER
Kyle Chandler, Grey's Anatomy
Henry Ian Cusick, Lost

--sympathy says Michael J. Fox, but from what I've heard of James Woods' performance as a man who could only communicate by moving his eyes, the academy would have to be mute to not say his name

Guest Actress, Comedy Series:
Shirley Knight, Desperate Housewives
Kate Winslet, Extras
Cloris Leachman, Malcolm in the Middle
Laurie Metcalf, Monk
Blythe Danner, Will & Grace

--It's nice to see an actress who has a sense of humor about herself and Kate Winslet proved that like no one has before. Turning her public image on its ear by expressing her desire to play a retard, simply to win an Oscar, the joys of phone sex and then man-handling herself, she should somehow win all the acting awards for this performance.

Guest Actress, Drama Series:
Kate Burton, Grey's Anatomy
Christina Ricci, Grey's Anatomy
Swoosie Kurtz, Huff, Showtime
Patricia Clarkson, Six Feet Under
Joanna Cassidy, Six Feet Under

Kate Burton plays a semi-catatonic Ellis Grey, no stretch there. Christina Ricci was so freakin' annoying I kinda wanted HER to blow up. Swoosie Kurtz rocks, so I'd be fine with her winning although I never saw her on Huff. Joanna Cassidy was so malicious on SFU that she could win, but whenever Patricia Clarkson is in contention for an award, my allegiance goes to her.

So there you go, the major nominations and my thoughts. One last thing about the omissions of this years nominees, specifically Lost, Desperate Housewives and Sopranos. Both Lost & DH were critical darlings during their first year and Sopranos has been considered one of the best shows ever on TV. Edie Falco and James Gandolfini both turned in career-best performances throughout the season, while Lost continued to shatter the mold during its second season. And while DH experienced a ratings and critical backlash during its second, uneven is an understatement, season it still had its moments and got better as the season came to a close. What do all three of these have in common though? Disappointed fans. Lost frustrated viewers by running seemingly unending repeats and breaking the season up into such a confusing jumble that even die-hard fans began to question their allegiance. Sopranos took over a year to mosey back onto the screen and while it came in with a bang, it went out with a whimper, and 1 million fewer viewers for the finale than the year before. And everyone is aware of the reaction to season two of DH. So why were these three shows shutout of the major categories? Because the main voting block for the academy of television arts & sciences are fans of these shows. They were the ones who were annoyed when we had to wait 2 months to get a new episode of Lost. They were the ones that were perplexed as to how these Desperate Neighbors no longer sounded like themselves. They were the ones who screamed at the finale of Sopranos, "THAT'S IT?!? All that build-up for them to just sit around the Christmas Tree?!?" So when talking to your friends about why Lost wasn't nominated for Best Drama, why Desperate Housewives biggest nomination came via it's most underused character (Betty Applewhite) and why the AMAZING Edie Falco didn't get a nomination but Geena "not a good tooth-to-gum ratio" Davis did, keep that in mind.

Love has its limits

I make no apologies for my love of Kelly Clarkson. I think she is adorable, talented and down to earth. I love her music, she is the only American Idol I have ever voted for and will ever vote for. And I love the fact that she has kept her curves while she's become one of the world’s biggest female stars. Having said that.....this is not okay. It tests the strength of my love while simultaneously testing the tensile strength of that material. Kelly STOP IT! It's Miss Independent, not Miss In-da-pancake