Ramble on

For HED*

2009-02-05T11:12:00.000-08:00

*I love it too.

Slow News Day Us Weekly?

2008-11-07T14:16:00.001-08:00

What It's All About

2008-11-04T14:36:00.001-08:00

Today is Election Day - obvs, and I came across this story and it brought a tear to my eye. So I felt like sharing it with you. The zero people who read this blog.

I got up early to get to my polling place, so I could vote and get to work. I got there and the line was wrapped around the building. Now you know when black folks gotta wait in line they get angry. But to my delight everyone was smiling and happy and just amazed that so many people came out to vote that early in the morning. It warmed my heart to see young ladies and men out, excited about voting for the first time, and to see older people there with tears in their eyes exclaiming how proud they are for this to happen in their lifetime. I swear if the crowd had broken out into Kumbaya…I would have not been surprised.

I saw the same kids that are rowdy on the Metro train, walking up and down the line asking the elderly if they need a chair to sit in, or escorting the handicapped to the front.

The best part of my 2 hour wait was when an elderly black woman got dropped off at the polls. She had a walker, but pulled a polling judge to the side and asked her if they had wheelchairs. She hadn't been out of her bed, let alone her house in ages and was afraid she wouldnt be able to move any further to actually get inside the building. The polling judge told her that unfortunately they didn't have any wheelchairs there for her to use, and was at a loss at what to do. That's when 5 black men got out of line to assist her. Yes, three of them supported her back, arms and legs and carried her into the polling center, while the other two carried her belongings. Waited for her to vote and carried her back out. The crowd was so overwhelmed with the comraderie, that everyone started clapping. Even if Senator Obama doesn't win this election (although I know he will), that one action right there, to me, made his strides worth it.

Palim Pranked

2008-11-03T06:51:00.000-08:00

This made my day

Thanks For Clearing That up, Yahoo

2008-10-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Red States,

2008-10-23T09:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Red States,

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii , California , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois , New York , and all of the Northeastern states. After this election, we'll be adding Colorado and New Mexico . We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, especially to the people of our new country - Nuevo California .

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states; we get stem cell research, the best beaches, and the best ski resorts. We get the Statue of Liberty; you get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft; you get WorldCom. We get Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, Yale , Cal Tech, MIT and Columbia ; you get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and entrepreneurs; you get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than that of the Christian Coalition, we get a bunch of happy families and you get a bunch of under-educated single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we'll need all of our citizens back from Iraq at once.

If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They apparently have kids they're willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't mind if you don't televise their kid's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq and hope that those Weapons of Mass Destruction turn up for you, but we're not willing to spend any more of our money in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States, we will control 80 percent of the country's fresh water, 90 percent of pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 97 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at your state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools. We also get New England, the Great Lakes and Yosemite , thank you very much.

In the Red States, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, 100 percent of tornadoes, 94 percent of hurricanes, 99 percent of Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, and Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bob Jones University , and Clemson.

Additionally, in the Red States, 38 percent actually believe Jonah was swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless it involves the death penalty or gun ownership; 44 percent claim that evolution is only a theory; 53 percent insist that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11; and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you have higher moral standards than those of us on the left.

By the way, we're taking all the good pot, too. You get that dirt weed from Mexico and Kansas ditches.

Peace out,
The Blue States

Thanks Tay!

In A Perfect World

2008-10-14T11:22:00.001-07:00

Cindy McCain Is A Dirty Bitch

2008-10-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently unfamiliar with the expression "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones," Cindy McCain said yesterday that Barack Obama was running "the dirtiest campaign in American history."

She then said, "just how I like my martini's - dirty. Where the fuck is the waiter?"

"10 Things I Hate About" Outtakes

2008-10-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

The original #10 in this story.

Sofa King Funny

2008-08-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Jarett: beggars can't be choosers
Ryan: unless your a hobo at a buffet

Don't Judge Me

2008-06-25T14:30:00.001-07:00

I. Can. Not. Wait.

David Cook's Pictures For Me!

2008-06-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

Kimberly Caldwell My Ass!!!!

My New Hero

2008-06-16T05:22:00.001-07:00

We've All Been There

2008-05-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

This Is The Hotness

2008-05-01T09:24:00.001-07:00

Nobody's Comin' To Your Remake Louise

2008-04-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

It was announced today that Ashley Tisdale and her new nose (the second one so far) are planning to star in a remake of the 80's classic Teen Witch. I can not even begin to fully express what a terrible idea this is..but I will try.

First of all, Teen Witch achieved fame and notoriety because it's bad. Like real bad. Teen Witch is by no means a well-made movie, but it is random, weird and silly but beyond all that, it's camp. And you can't plan camp. It just happens. Like a gleek.

Case in point: the writers probably thought they were being super hep by integrating a rap song. They weren't. "Top That" is probably one of the worst songs ever written, yet is just one of the moments that helped the film achieve cult status, as did the other song that is inexplicably performed,"I Like Boys."

The only glimmer of hope on the horizon is that another remake which I was very vocally opposed to, (click here if you don't believe me) Adventures in Babysitting starring Raven Symone, never seemed to materialize. So I am hoping against hope that the same is true of Teen Witch. In fact, just to ensure it, I will say a spell: "Argentum Popularum Sinsarum. Argentum Popularum Sinsarum. Argentum Popularum Sinsarum."

Although.......it might be funny to see Ashley Tisdale get called a dog, a dog, a dog!!!!!

Cart, Horse

2008-04-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

I am growing increasingly fond of Heidi Montag’s deluded self image. I know it’s redundant to talk about how out-of-touch this woman, who stars on a fake reality show and has thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery is, but I must. In a recent interview Heidi was asked about a rumored 'The Hills' feature film and she was quoted as saying, “I've never discussed a movie possibility for 'The Hills'…and I'm not sure if for my first movie I'd let Lauren Conrad narrate me.”

Yes, you read that correctly, “first movie” which implies that Heidi believes she would be asked to star in a second movie and possibly a third. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she went on to say, “If I was doing movies, I'd want it to be with Denzel Washington or something like that.”

Girl, like Denzel Washington even knows what “The Hills” are—he’s more likely to think that your show is some spin-off from “The Sound of Music” and you’re the young troll who lives under the hill that Maria sings are alive.

Personally I can't wait until she breaks out the Tara Reid "I want to win an Oscar" quote--then my day will be complete. And yes that is an old picture, but I prefer my Heidi with her old parts

Celebrity Death Match: Mark-vs-Marc

2008-04-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

In the left corner we have Mark Ballas, professional hoofer on Dancing with the Stars, who in my opinion is going to win this season thanks to Kristi Yam.

In the right corner we have Marc St. James, aka Michael Urie, from Ugly Betty, who in my opinion is the funniest thing about that show.

Now here's my dilemma: which one of these Bobbsey Twins is my favorite? Seriously...were they separated at birth in some sort of weird Lifetime MOTW sitch? And making me even more confused, they're both on top rated ABC shows. Is there some sort of corral of cute, skinny boys that is secretly kept on ABC's backlot? If so, do they have a tour? Or an adoption program?

So It Turns Out Cynthia is More of a Samantha Than a Miranda

2008-04-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

Cynthia Nixon was interviewed on Good Morning America today where she revealed that she battled breast cancer and discussed how her life partner, Christine, dealt with it (for the record, the answer was eating). This marks the second huge life event that Cynthia went through after Sex & The City's Samantha Jones also did: lesbianism and breast cancer. Thankfully for the mother of two, she is in the clear.

SMG B-Day

2008-04-14T14:53:00.001-07:00

Wow, I feel just like Buffy Summers did in that scene from "Nightmares" when she is casually informed by Cordelia that they have a History test in 30 seconds (don't worry, it was all the subconscious manifestations of a boy who was in a coma after being abused by his baseball coach--deep stuff, right?). Well that feeling of being completely blindsided is where I'm at right now because I was 100% unaware today is Sarah Michelle Gellar's 31st birthday.

For those of you who don't know (are there any of you?) SMG was one of the most intense presences during my early developmental years--actually, it wasn't so much Sarah as it was Buffy Summers, but irregardless, one doesn't exist without the other. Kristy, who?

So Sarah, thank you so much for imbuing Buffy Summers with life--you are hands down my favorite TV character of all-time, so have a very happy birthday! Something tells me you'll be getting a book--she collects antique novels...and that's just one of the many random facts I know about Ms. G!

Cute Overload

2008-04-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

Sabra Johnson and Kameron Bink from So You Think You Can Dance (come back already!) with two koala's!

The New Queen of Saturday Night Live

2008-04-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Kristen Wiig delivered another round of brilliant performances this weekend on Saturday Night Live. Her consistently funnier-by-the-week characters are blowing Amy Poehler's out of the water (a routine occurrence) and must be making Lorne Michaels feel a whole lot better about Amy's rumored departure at the end of the season. Below are my two favorites from this week!

Jamie Lee Curtis for Activia Yogurt

Judy Grimes: Stripper, just kidding, Travel Writer

One Headline, 30% Increase in Opening Weekend Box Office

2008-04-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

From Dark Horizons: Megan Fox Goes Topless For "Body"

Yes, that's right hordes of straight boys who (don't) read my blog. Uber-hottie (I'm not sold) Megan Fox has agreed to show her ta-ta's off in the upcoming film "Jennifer's Body," which was written by the strip-tacular Diablo Cody.

For more on the movie, click here

It Was The Cravat's Fault!

2008-04-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

While everyone was busy picking their jaws up off the floor last night when Michael Johns was boots from "American Idol" I just said to myself: it just goes to show you the power of fashion.

See, for the last two weeks MJ has been rocking a cravat, like he's Fred from "Scooby-Doo" or something. It's an odd look that is totally out-of-sync with youth today and only serves to remind us that A) MJ is seriously pushing the age-limit on "Idol" (I always secretly believed eventually it would come out that he lied about his age) and B) he is not American.

So while Simon may say his ousting had to do with poor song choice, I solely blame MJ singing his swan song on silly sartorial selections.

Wonder what Fidel Castro would have done....

2008-04-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

In a surprising bit of news, assumed stoner Jason Castro doesn't support his brothers-in-bongs. Check out this tid-bit from Idol Gives Back that was posted on People.com:

Snoop Dogg delivered the first performance of the night, bringing the crowd — and seven of the top eight Idol finalists — to their feet. But Jason Castro, seated at the front of a balcony with the other contestants, rested his head on his hands while the rapper was on stage. It wasn’t until Heart’s Ann Wilson and Nancy Wilson came out on stage to collaborate with Fergie that Castro got out of his chair.

Although maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Perhaps Jason smoked a fatty with Snoop backstage and was just too high to actually partake since he par-toked. Looks like we'll never know

Who Knew?

2008-04-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

I Love Weeds, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Mary Louise Parker. However I am incredibly surprised by the degree to which America agrees. In light of news that Mary Louise and Jeffrey Dean have supposedly split, both actors rocketed into the Top 10 Google Trend searches.

Ironically, Billy Crudup placed higher than Mary Louise Parker, proving once and for all that no one will ever forget if you cheat on a pregnant woman.

Lost: What?

2008-04-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

This video perfectly expresses the thoughts and feelings millions of LOST fans have on a weekly basis!

How Cute is This?

2008-04-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Anderson Cooper guest hosted Live! on the 4th and somehow he subjected himself to a workout routine segment that basically saw Kelly Ripa doing the most girlie moves ever and Anderson giggling along and refusing to try. Somehow he totally gets away with it and the bit works.

Highlights for me: Anderson yelling, "Jazz Hands" and him not knowing what a "Muffin Top" is.

PS--Ripa should totally do workout videos, a good place for her to channel all that energy!

My new screensaver

2008-04-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

The crazy eyes, the funny gesture, the cock-a-doodle hair. Sharon Stone in all her fabulousness now adorns my desktop!

Battlestar Baby!

2008-04-04T13:46:00.001-07:00

Pic stolen from my identical brain twin over at MNPP

Well, color me happy! There's a snap in here for two!

2008-04-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

As a young lad I developed an unhealthy obsession with Sandra Bullock. She just seemed so cool and carefree and kind.

As an older chap I developed an unhealthy obsession with Ryan Reynolds. He just seemed so cool and carefree and kind.

Today came pictures from the set of "The Proposal" a movie starring both Sandra and Ryan! Homo say what? I have basically died and gone to heaven at this point. Now when will one of them propose to me? My choice of suitor is fairly obvious. Fairly

Tila Tequila's in his Top Friends

2008-03-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Mark the day, March 30th is officially the day that MySpace pulled back the curtain to reveal that the wizards running the show aren't people like you and me, but dudes with BA's in business and marketing. Seriously, there isn't a shot in hell that Martin Scorsese actually wants to be your friend. In fact, I will give you $100 if Marty actually knows what MySpace is.

As a rule old people don't really get the internet. That's why I always get emails from my grandfather that look like this:
jkrett! hoews wortk reating you?> comre to Flprida;' 'we miss youtr.

Puberty giveth, and puberty taketh away

2008-03-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Skeet Ulrich, Captain Lou Albano and Spencer Pratt; you are no longer the worst things to have ever happened to facial hair. Sorry Shia, you have ruined any sexual fantasies I may have ever had about you by rocking the creepiest facial hair since every guy who has ever been on To Catch a Predator. Not only have you highlighted your oddly shaped head (who knew!) but you've reminded America that facial hair is a privilege, not a right.

*sorry HED

I'm With You Leather

2008-03-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

As I wait patiently, clutching a sidekick, for my beloved Gossip Girl to return to the airwaves on April 21 I can at least find comfort in all these paparazzi shots from the set. But it appears a new trend is afoot in GG-world since both Michelle Trachtenberg (Dawn!) and Blake Lively were spotted wearing leather (pleather?) pants. As my new friend Ryan pointed out "tight leather pants are the new black tights" And while the sheer thought of this style makes my thighs develop asthma, he's right. I've been seeing leather pants everywhere lately and I have come to a conclusion: I do not condone.

Has anyone actually looked amazing in leather pants? I mean really. Sure there are some people who don't look truly unfortunate in the fitted animal hides, mostly anorexic celebrities, but would I call them enviable ensembles? Nope. There is only one man who has ever maximized leather pants to their full potential: Ross Gellar on Friends, and that's because he saw the comedy in them. And because he tried to make himself a pair of paste pants.

My Spider Sense is Tingling

2008-03-23T16:31:00.001-07:00

I have an inkling. And I am going to share it with you, just so when/if it comes true, I can say, “hey remember when I told you…”

I am getting a distinct impression that Heather on Rock of Love is the new New York. Remember how New York came in second place during season 1 of Flavor of Love and then returned in season two under the guise of “helping Flav weed out the bad bachelorettes" and was then herself asked to return to the competition and once again came in second place? And then remember how she spun off into her own show called, “I Love New York” to begin her own search for love?

Weeeell, Heather, Rock of Love’s season 1 runner-up has just returned on season two under the guide of “helping Bret weed out the bad bachelorettes" (I cut and pasted that sentence from above, further proving the point I am about to make). Now, normally one appearance isn’t out of the ordinary—hi Rodeo!—but it was very subtly revealed at the end of this week’s elimination that Heather would be joining Bret and the girls on a trip to Vegas because, as Bret said, she’s been really helpful.

Now here’s where a second train of logic pulls up to the station. “I Love New York” will not be returning for a third season because New York has some new show where she goes to Hollywood to try and become famous (ed note: you’re already there Tiffany, this is as famous as you’re getting. You’ve hit your fame glass ceiling). This move leaves a female-dating-show slot vacant on VH1’s schedule and Heather made it very clear on season 1 that she wants her slot to be filled. It’s like freakin’ slutty serendipity!

So, here’s how it will go down: Heather will be asked to stay on and will be contractually obligated to come in second place, which is too bad because a Daisy vs. Ambre final two would have been interesting. (note: I did not misspell Ambre’s name. But it is pronounced like Amber. Actually, I think that if you go back to the first episode of the season her name was spelled “Amber” but then it got Rock Of Love-ified and became Ambre).

Then as predicted, by history, Heather will come in second in the finale, get crazy angry and during the reunion show announce plans for her own spin of, called: “Who Wants To Date an Ex-Stripper Who Wasn’t Good Enough for Bret Michaels, Which is Good Enough For Us?”

or something like that

Adventures in IMDB-land

2008-03-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

I love IMDB.com. I use it daily. And every now and then you stumble upon a bit o' brilliance. Today is no exception. After watching Sound of Music with Allison and Joe last night, we discovered that the girl who played Louisa (upper left) is named Heather Menzies. Yea, let that soak in for a second.

Not only does she have that flow-tastic last name but this adorable anecdote came from Menzies' mini-bio: She and Kym Karath, who played Gretl, the youngest Von Trapp, became close friends despite the fact that while filming that movie's rowboat scene, Kym swallowed too much water and threw up on Heather -- Julie Andrews was designated to catch her but fell off the wrong side of the boat and as a result Heather had to get Kym.

So what has this taught us besides the fact that Julie Andrews is a thoughtless bitch? That Menzies is capable of absorbing vomit and copious amounts of water. Must not have been a heavy flow river.

Almost as Bad as Julia Goulia

2008-03-23T09:52:00.001-07:00

A long time ago in a land far, far away called Hollywood there were two beautiful anchors, Giuliana DePandi and Jillian Barberie. Great names, right? "Fame names" is what I call them, you know, ones that sound like the monkier a real celebrity would have—or at least someone who interviews celebrities. Well, at least they did. Both ladies got married and opted for inferior surnames in the process. Giuliana DePandi became Giuliana Rancic when she married Apprentice winner Bill Rancic, and made herself sound like spoiled meat. (sidenote: does anyone actually “win” if they’re on The Apprentice?)

Ironically (and something I learned after a wikipedia search) Jillian was born Jillian Warry and married up, last name-wise, in 1996 with a wedding to Bret Barberie (a baseball player--one of the few times an athlete will be mentioned on here). Then she rocked the surname hard-core for a long-time before opting for the snoozeville that is Reynolds. Even Star Jones only hyphenated her name when she married a Reynolds.

Now look, I have nothing against women taking their husbands last names, tradition is fun! But as someone saddled with an unfortunate last name I take major offense when anyone ditches a perfectly perfect last name for something generic, boring and average.

In other cute baby news

2008-03-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

You know when you sometimes say a word over and over again and it starts to sound like a different word. this is kinda like that, but cuter

I call this, 'There Will Be Buh-lud'

Having a Bad Day?

2008-03-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

It is scientifically impossible for this night to brighten up your day

and apparently I've stumbled onto something, because I am not alone...

If a tree falls....

2008-03-08T22:35:00.000-08:00

There used to be a time that there was no greater musical honor than performing on Saturday Night Live. Grammy? Patooey. Now? Not so much.

I can't even tell you who the last three musical guests were. Did I watch the show? Yep. Did I fast-forward or conversely give the song 15-seconds to sway me, to which it clearly did not and then fast forward through it? Yep.

So let me ask you: why? And in addition: do you do the same thing?

PR

2008-03-05T07:57:00.001-08:00

The Eyebrows Are Coming Back!

2008-02-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

OK, OK, I know I've been gone for a veeeery long time, but working for a blog kinda quashes the need for a personal blog--or so I thought! In news that I could never get past my editors at PageSix.com Peter Gallagher has signed to reprise his role as Jonathan Reeves in a sequel to 2000's ballet-themed dance feature "Center Stage"

CUE MY FREAK OUT!

So many things to love:

A) Center Stage" sequel! Best trio of words since "next on Lost"

B) The fact that Peter is coming back leads me to believe that I will, in one way or another, get to see this movie. Meaning, it will either be released in theaters or go straight-to-DVD, but having a "star" in the cast does help matters for sheez!

C) The plot: The sequel focuses on a determined young dancer named Kate, who's begging for admission to the dance company, but has a hard time convincing the powers-that-be to let her in. She eventually gets her chance to dance - thanks to her new dance partner, a guy who's having trouble letting his pals know that he does ballet.

D) This nugget: Another star from the original, Ethan Stiefel, will also be returning for the sequel reprising his role as dance king Cooper Nielsen.

Here's hoping we get some sort of resolution on Jody and Charlie! Or that Charlie simply comes back to teach!

Where I've Been....

2007-12-04T10:16:00.000-08:00

I've been working on the relaunch of PageSix.com! We're finally active and covering everything under the sun, so please check it out early and come back often!

Oh, and if all you really want to know is: What has Jarett been writing? You can simply go to:

http://www.pagesix.com/sixers/jarett+wieselman

Hasta la, oh hey, what's this?

2007-11-15T11:18:00.001-08:00

FOX just unveiled new posters for the January 14th premiere of The Sarah Conner Chronicles and this one instantly guarantees my viewership! Not only do I heart Summer Glau (from Firefly!) but I kinda dig the concept of continuing the Terminator adventures, sans Ah-nold the Governator.

T3 was pretty crappy (although the liquid metal Terminatrix was pretty bad ass) so this could be a great way to reboot the franchise outside the theater.

And President Palmer wasn't really shot, he was just pretending

2007-11-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

"I watched Tony die and, for whatever reason, he is still alive."
-Kiefer Sutherland obviously agrees with the fans complaints about the absurd lengths 24's writers have stooped to, in an attempt to resuscitate their show

Overheard in my life

2007-11-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

I don't like stupid movies....I prefer films like The Holiday

-Woman leaving Into The Wild

Not one damn original EYE-dea in Hollywood

2007-11-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

Along with the majority of the horror movie fan community, I am of the opinion that American remakes of Japanese horror movies have overstayed their welcome. But that's not stopping Hollywood from continuing to produce them, mostly because of people like me who continue to see them! Damn it, I'm my own worst enemy!

And while people bemoan the lack of originality in movies today, allow me to jump on the bandwagon saying that there isn't even an ounce of originality in publicizing movies today! It's already been made known that Beowulf is blatantly ripping off 300's television ads . At least that makes sense, 300 did phenomenally well--but to rip off a crappy movies' marketing strategy makes no sense. And with that, I give you this week's copycat award:

Hand in an eye? Check!
Title placed in the lower 3/4, just below the actresses name? Check!
Guarantee that I will spend $10 on opening weekend? Check!

But it's not the poster for The Eye that's guaranteeing my attendance; it's the ridiculousness below

Something tells me the movie where Jessica Alba yells angrily into an oven isn't that one that's going to win her an Oscar!

God Bless Felicity Huffman

2007-11-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

This is how I like to remember Felicity, as Dana Whitiker, sitting behind the controls running Sports Night. Not as the overly primped star of Desperate Housewives. No matter how good the show is (and believe the hype, this season the dramedy is totally back on its A-game) it will always feel like this incredibly gifted actor is slumming it. But that hasn't stopped her from continuing to make me laugh on a weekly basis and the clip below is a great way to get through the mid-week doldrums.

A quick bit o' background: Felicity's character Lynette was diagnosed with cancer last season and in an effort to beat the nausea associated with the disease, her mother spiked her brownies with marijuana. In a pot-induced funk, Lynette escapes the house and stumbles into a neighborhood game of charades. Let the hilarity ensue

And learn how to smile with your eyes

2007-11-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

The Glamor Women of the Year Awards were last night in NYC and they celebrated the triumphs of the human spirit and honored women who survived Ugandan genocide, supplying medicine to third world countries and sleeping with Ben Affleck.

Jennifer Garner was saved for last (as the best typically is) and as my friend astutely pointed out, she kinda missed the point of the evening. She may hem and haw about what a "real person" she is, but below is a recounting of the moment when Sydney Bristow let out her inner Hollywood Diva:

"oh, and Jen Garner also made this comment, that I'm sure she meant as a joke, but said to people who obviously dont give a shit. ' Always hold your award like so, it shows off your dress and makes your arms look better.' The african women forced into war as slaves and then raped and help hostage for years, who were then shunned by their families upon their return home, most likely did not care about showing off their dress, Jen"

But they were totally stoked when she taught them the Thriller dance from 13 Going on 30

Quote of the day

2007-11-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

"I met Courtney Love and she said she'd like to sleep with me, but couldn't because of my pop star thing. So I said I couldn't sleep with her either, because of the ugly thing."
-Robbie Williams

Snow Weisz

2007-10-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

There has never been a more apt pairing of actress and character. While this is just a photoshoot, you KNOW Disney's brains are running rampant with thoughts of a Live Action Snow White movie starring the lovely and amazing Rachel Weisz after seeing this!

My birthday buddy

2007-10-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

Happy 40th Gavin! Call me, we can hang out!

Look who remembered!

2007-10-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

Oh Kelly, you shouldn't have!

Friday Smiles

2007-10-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter to America

2007-10-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Citizens of The United States,
Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You so often let me down, yet this time you caught me by surprise. We don't always see eye to eye on the decisions you make—reelecting Bush Jr, not supporting stem cell research, watching Two and a Half Men—but this time you did me right.

I can't even begin to count how many good shows I've lost because of you. Veronica Mars, Arrested Development, Drive, Firefly and Wonderfalls are just a few of the programs that have suffered from your apathy and I was so fearful that the same thing would befall my new fav, Pushing Daisies. It's so quirky, so over-the-top, so unlike anything else on TV that I was convinced that you wouldn't embrace it. But you did. And you love it as much as I do. And as a reward for solidarity we've been given an entire season of this year's best new show and I know that I have you to thank for it. I am only one man, I can only do so much, but if we band together as a nation, I know that we can return this hunk of land to the great place it once was before the Iraq war, political dissention and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.

Now, let’s talk about a little show on NBC called Friday Night Lights that needs your help

All the best,
Jarett Wieselman

Burning question

2007-10-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

On Heroes, has anyone else noticed how this: Is the same thing as this:
just wondering.....

Fire Down Below

2007-10-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

I am here to clear things up. Lindsay Lohan's return to California from rehab in Utah has accidentally thrown the state into a tizzy. To clarify: Brandon Davis was simply reminding everyone that her bush was on fire, not that there were bush fires.

(My deepest condolences go out to all of those currently dealing with the wildfire crisis)

Bone of contention

2007-10-22T09:22:00.001-07:00

I don’t want to be a hater, but I simply cannot get behind this.

One day before shooting began Ryan Gosling has dropped out of filming The Lovely Bones, citing “creative differences”. Which is as much of a cop out as claiming “irreconcilable differences” when you file for divorce. While rumors swirl that he was asked to leave because he was “too young” I have to wonder; Why isn’t this something that came up during the months of pre-production during which Gosling grew a robust beard and gained 20 lbs.

This morning I woke up to headlines of: Wahlberg replaces Gosling

Now, I no longer think of Mark Wahlberg as the mandatorily shirtless hip-hopper Marky Mark, in fact, I haven’t viewed him that was since the combo of Boogie Nights and Fear back in the 90's. He’s even become quite a good actor who has a slightly undeserved Oscar nomination to his name. That being said, Mark Wahlberg is no Ryan Gosling.

As an actor, Gosling is just working with a different set of instruments. It would be like asking a gynecologist to give you a prostate exam—-close, but no cigar. And the opposite applies too; I wouldn’t want to see Gosling in a Wahlberg vehicle: trying to clear his name in Shooter or rocking seriously tight pants as the long haired lead singer in Rock Star.

Additionally, let’s go back to the 20 lbs and bushy beard—are they just scrapping those tiny bits of character development? If so, that just proves my point. Those personal touches are the kind of thing an actor of Gosling’s caliber brings to a project. Yes, they can apply a faux-beard and put Mark in a fat suit (which I bet they won’t) but the point is, Ryan was getting into the head of the character while Mark is simply stepping into his shoes.

Things that stress me out: Baby Edition

2007-10-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

That Sarah Jessica Parker has chosen to allow her son (and my baby doppelganger) James Wilke to wear clothes and colors that make him look like a little girl.

Nicole Richie's belly. I don't know why, but for some reason it reminds me of when the Alien bursts out of an astronauts chest

The fact that Kate Hudson refuses to cut her daughter, um, sons hair

The size and gargantuan shape of Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon's baby bump

Unexpected bliss

2007-10-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

So there I was trolling along the internet, reading movie news and rumors and I stumbled onto this little gem and almost wet myself. See if you can figure out where changing my pants almost became a necessity.

Sony Pictures has launched Stage 6 Films, a label that will acquire and produce relatively low budget films for theatrical and straight-to-DVD release says Variety.

Amongst them are a prequel to this year's "Vacancy" and sequels for "Starship Troopers," "The Art of War" and "Center Stage".

Ok, so that picture was a total give-away, but who cares because they're making a sequel to Center Stage, one of my top five guilty pleasure films of all time! Now, while the fabulous Zoe Saldana (the mouthy Eva) is definitely not available because of her roles in the much-much-much higher profile (yet no less important) Avatar and Star Trek movies, the question becomes will any of the originals return?

My money is on Amanda Schull, a.k.a. Jody Sawyer, to come back in some capacity. One check of IMDB shows that she's only had one post-Center Stage role and should be primed to learn some more tough lessons. And where does she learn them? Why, when she's standing Center Stage, duh!

Is he trying to push it back in?

2007-10-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Joel, lets not use your unborn baby as an arm rest, ok?

Got Jesus?

2007-10-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

"I've got an extra cross with your name on it," Jennifer announced to the crowd. "Actually, I've got one around my neck for every person I stepped on along the way to becoming a star. Praise Jesus!"

Tasty Cate's: Men's Room

2007-09-27T11:17:00.001-07:00

Don't ask, don't tell might be the motto of the military, but everyone is clammoring to find out who designed this sleek and sexy military inspired jacket worn by Penn Badgley last night on Gossip Girl. The cropped collar adds a unique focal point while the chocolate hue is perfect for Fall!

Tougher than peace in the Middle East

2007-09-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

Blind much?

2007-09-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

Patricia Field made a name for herself styling Sex and the City and became one of the only women (next to Anna Wintour) who could "make" a designer simply by giving them her seal of approval. Well, it's been 3 years since HBO's orgy of women problems came to a conclusion and it seems that the final episode also signified the end of Patricia's "eye"

There were a few hints in season 6 that she was starting to lose it:

And these outfits from the set of the feature film show that not a whole lot has changed

SJP looks like she's ready for a 1920's garden party, and not in the good way. It looks like they're going to be feasting on her foliage friendly skirt. And Kristen, well, who wouldn't be crying in an oversized polka dot dress and pepto bismal coat! Making matters worse, Patricia is also working on (ruining) the costumes for ABC's new fall show Cashmere Mafia

Who doesn't want to look like an 80's hooker!

Saddle Up!

Alexis Carrington, eat your heart out!

Come on Patty! These women are supposed to be professional NYC business ladies, not blind ladies! Or mentally handicapped ladies! Or (shudder) discount shoppers! Get the needles out of your eyes!

Once More (again) With Feeling

2007-09-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Here are some things that I love:
-Anthony Stewart Head
-Singing
-Anthony Stewart Head singing

So imagine my surprise when I found out that those three things would be coming to a big screen near me next year now that Tony (we're close like that) has signed on as the lead in Repo! The Genetic Opera

Yep, the frakkin' lead! And this is exactly the kind of role that the brilliant, and criminally unknown in America, actor will truly be able to sink his teeth into:

Head has snatched the lead in the gleefully morbid futuristic flick, playing an average dad who spends his evenings repossessing transplanted body parts from delinquent payers.

This almost makes up for the fact that Paris Hilton is a co-star....I said almost!

MTV takes it to another level!

2007-09-11T10:50:00.001-07:00

Olympic skier Jonny Moseley and his wife, Malia, have welcomed a baby boy. Jonathan William Moseley, Jr. – "Jack" – was born Tuesday in San Francisco. "Malia and Jack are healthy and doing great," their rep said, before adding, “Jack Jr will serve as his father’s co-judge on the new season of The Challenge: Inferno 3.” The newest season, which will be subtitled: RACE WARS, will be shot in the rough and tumble jungles of South Central LA. “I think it’s a great way to introduce my son to the booze, boobs and overinflated egos that come along with being famous for 15 minutes,” the proud father added.

Moore please

2007-09-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

I have been in love with Julianne Moore since I first saw her in Nine Months and now, twelve years later (shoot me, I'm old) she has officially become the hottest 'Moore' in Hollywood.

Later Demi! Sayonara Michael! Close but no cigar Mandy!

And I am uber excited about her upcoming film, Blindness:
Julianne plays a woman who retains her sight while the rest of her town experiences an unexplainable case of sudden blindness. She feigns illness in order to take care of her husband as her surrounding community breaks down into chaos and disorder.

Oh, and even though you can't see it in the picture above, I like her red hair

Tori Amos skewers Lohan

2007-09-04T11:35:00.001-07:00

I know it's a week old, but it's still brilliant!

Hola awesome

2007-08-24T13:18:00.001-07:00

Portugal is jumping on the Heroes bandwagon and premiering a Spanish version of NBC's hit, called Caminhos do Coração (Ways of the Heart)

I am totally going to have to learn a second language, because if the show is half as good as the promos are, we are in for a treat. Or shall I say, we are in for a convite

Ready for a Rainn-aissance?

2007-08-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

While I love Steve Carrell and John Krasinski, it's really nice to see Rainn Wilson getting some notice too. Last year he got to take the reigns of SNL and now comes word that a hilarious sounding script he co-wrote was just purchased as a starring vehicle for him.

Per Reuters:
Universal Pictures has picked up comedy "Renaissance Men" penned by actors Rainn Wilson an Matt Ross. The story follows two down-and-out community theater actors who think they've accidentally killed a co-star. In a panic, they go on the lam and hide out in a Renaissance fair.

I can't wait to see Rainn all decked out in ye olde leather sillyness. But even more squealworthy is his second script which was also recently snapped up:

Wilson is also writing "Bonzai Shadowhands," a ninja comedy that Jason Reitman will direct for Fox Searchlight.

A Ninja comedy starring Rainn, directed by Thank You For Smoking's Jason Reitman? That just gave me a cinematic hard-on

Hummers for a dollar!

2007-08-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

Sienna Miller may have fucked half of Hollywood, but she wants to you toknow Rhys Ifans (Spike from Notting Hill) is NOT one of those men!

She told This Is London: "Rhys and I are just friends, we've known each other for years, we are definitely not sleeping together. He's crashing on my couch because his boat is flooded and I'm being the good samaritan and providing him with a roof over his head." Miller said that she is tired of people presuming she is sleeping around with every man she is spotted with. The actress commented: "I'm always hearing things about myself and different men, but it's not true. Is my nickname Sleeparound Sienna or something?"

Two things:
1) His boat is flooded? Give me a break! "My ark has a leak" is the oldest excuse in the book!
2) And for the record, your nickname isn't 'Sleeparound Sienna' it's Sluttienna, duh!

Best News Ever!

2007-08-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

Break out the spandex, dust off The Wall and oil up The Handbikes because the granddaddy of reality competitions is returning to TV with all new episodes: AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

Per Variety:
NBC will bring back the 90s cult hit "American Gladiators" as a midseason replacement. The network will update the show with new technology and twists.

Fingers crossed that NBC doesn't update the show too much, because with the exception of some of the most mullet-riffic hairstyles that ever graced the boob tube, Gladiators really stands the test of time. Here's hoping the new generations of Laces, Nitros, Blazes, Towers, Hawks and Diamonds will continue to slip into those ridiculous spandex unitards, giving a new generation of sexually questioning youths something purdy to ogle.

Oh, and bring back Larry Csonka too!

Rock on K. Hud

2007-08-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

"When someone tells me not to have a cigarette, I want to throw them over the balcony."
-Kate Hudson apparently took a role in '200 Cigarettes' because she mistook the title for her salary

Making Monday sparkle

2007-08-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

KRISTEN BELL IS COMING BACK TO TV!!!!

After rumors that she might join the cast of Lost, Kristen has instead signed up for a multi-episode arc on my other favorite show, Heroes!!!

Per Variety:
Bell will make her first “Heroes” appearance in October. She’ll play Elle, a character described as a sexy, mysterious young lady who has ties to the supposed death of Peter, H.R.G.’s past and the future of Claire. Elle will kick off her arc by committing a serious crime, though it’s unclear whether she’s good or bad.

“This was not easy to pull off,” said “Heroes” creator-exec producer Tim Kring. “But since we’re an ensemble show, with many arcs playing out through the year, we found a way to jump into a small window in (Bell’s) schedule.”

Universal Media Studios prexy Katherine Pope also hinted that landing Bell wasn't easy, noting that "many studios (were) chasing her in both film and TV" and that she was happy that Bell "chose to star in our show."

TV just got a whole lot sassier!

There better be a sex scene!

2007-08-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hollywood seems to reading my mind lately. I love Camilla Belle, although I think I am more enamored with her eyebrows, and my feelings about Chris Evans are pretty self explanatory. Needless to say, I am already queuing up for this:

Chris Evans and Camilla Belle are set to star in the supernatural thriller "Push". The story revolves around a group of young American ex-pats with telekinetic and clairvoyant abilities who hide from a U.S. government agency in Hong Kong. They must use their different talents and band together to try to escape the control of the division.

And as if those two sex-bots weren't enough, my DakFan has been thrown in for good measure!

Dirty mouth?

2007-08-15T10:41:00.001-07:00

Anne Hathaway loves a nip

But not as much as she loves a knob

Things that make me giggle

2007-08-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

Tom Kruse the Inventor and President of Hoveround Power Chairs a.k.a Old People Mobiles.

That couch jumper is so versatile! Acting! Inventing! Brain-washing!

Bad Idea Jeans

2007-08-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

The fourth film in the Jurassic Park series will reportedly feature Dinosaurs that have been outfitted with weapons by the US Government, presumably for battle purposes. Now, not only is this a terrible idea, especially for a film that is produced by the genius of Steven Spielberg, but didn't someone else already try something similar?

Oh yes!

Easy money

2007-08-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

It was announced today that Channing Tatum (Step Up) and Columbus Short (Stomp the Yard) are teaming for an untitled buddy action film, but the plot line is being kept under wraps.

What do you want to wager that there will be a moment in the movie when they have to step up and stomp the yard with a slammin' dance number in order to save their butts.

Also, what would you like to bet that I will see it opening weekend!

A star for a star

2007-08-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

Michelle finally got a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! I am telling you, with 'Hairspray', the phenominal 'Stardust' and the Paul Rudd co-starring 'I Could Never Be Your Woman', 2007 is officially the Year of Pfeiffer!!!!!!

Tom was bummed that just getting in the water made Suri cry....

2007-08-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

because he was about to swim her over to the jet ski

Hunk of beef between two slices of white bread

2007-08-06T14:38:00.001-07:00

This is the hottest movie sandwich since Meg Ryan faux-orgasmed over a corned beef on rye

You lost me at "army of zombie clowns"

2007-08-01T11:18:00.001-07:00

Coming soon to a Blockbuster near you, my worst nightmare:

Dead Clowns
Synopsis: The residents of Port Emmett prepare for a hurricane that will churn up a 50-year-old secret, awakening an army of zombie clowns. Left to die after a circus train accident, the clowns rise from their muddy graves to get revenge. The guilty can run, but they can't hide from the truth … or the undead.

I knew it! Laugh all you want, but I have been preparing a "zombie clown survival kit" for years. The contents: one big, floppy shoe that conceals a knife, a red nose that emits tear gas when squeezed, an acid-squirting lapel flower, and a pie that when smooshed in your face becomes as hard as cement. I will beat them at their own game!

(editors note: an attempt to find a picture to accompany this story lasted 3 seconds)

How to piss off DeNiro in 30 seconds

2007-07-31T13:52:00.001-07:00

You go Robbie!

Honestly??

2007-07-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

Horizontal stripes and wide-leg pants? You have no one to blame but yourself, Kelly.

More Michelle news than you can shake a stick at

2007-07-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how much I missed Michelle Pfeiffer until she came back. Does that make sense? In any case Michelle's oft-delayed romantic comedy, I Could Never Be Your Woman finally has a release date--November 9!

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Jarett, why are you so excited about this particular film? Michelle has done rom-com before, what makes this movie so special?"

"Well, thank you for asking," I reply, before adding, "please see the picture below to have everything made crystal clear."

Yep, the movie co-stars Paul Rudd as her love interest. Done and done!

It's like that scene in Timecop

2007-07-31T11:13:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does Claire Danes come across like the Gen-Y version of Michelle Pfeiffer? They have similar features and they both give off a cold, yet kind vibe. Clearly both have had their share of men trouble and coincidentally they are both in the new movie, Stardust. Although I must say, I can't see myself ever having the same feelings about Claire that I do for Michelle.

Ms. Pfeiffer just in a class by herself

Last on the bandwagon

2007-07-30T13:38:00.001-07:00

I know that look

2007-07-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

It says, "Oh Scarlett, if only you were 17. And my daughter."

Under pressure

2007-07-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know what all the fuss is about. Kelly Clarkson's new album, My December, is a fantastic CD. It's angry, and bitter and not commercial, and Kelly makes no apologies for that, which only further endears her to me. She went through a hard time and worked through it by writing this album and then Clive Davis, who is clearly only interested in what sells, ironically sold her out. Thus began the backlash against the album and that's where we find ourselves today.

It was announced that due to the album's poor sales, Kelly would be immediately heading back into the studio to create a new CD to be released in 2008. Here's the rub: this time, she will take the advice of Clive and work with established hit makers who just churn out pop #1's. Now I have nothing against striving for popularity. What I am troubled by is that it seems this album is absolutely going to fall by the wayside, which is a shame because it does have some fantastic tracks on it. So while KC is in the studio, get thee to a record store, by the album and check out the following cuts:

Never Again
Sober
Irvine
Judas

I Can't Wait!!!!!

2007-07-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

Batman has always been my favorite superhero, even when Joel Schumacher ruined the property I still dug it. But now that Christopher Nolan is behind the wheel I have had my bat-faith restored. Batman Begins kicked ass and if this picture is any indication, The Dark Knight will be pretty awesome too.

Love the Joker. Love Heath Ledger as the Joker. And (sorry HED) I love that Katie Holmes was replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal. This is now my most anticipated film of 2008!

Misguided moments in advertising part 4

2007-07-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

Former Soviet Untion President Mikhail Gorbachev for Louis Vuitton!

He says, "A Vuitton manbag is the perfect way to carry around your Nobel Peace Prize and it's also a terrific place to store your dignity

My favorite Lohan-DUI related headline

2007-07-24T12:26:00.000-07:00

From Jossip:
Lindsay Lohan Outed As Bad Drunk Driver, Poor Coke Hider

Why does her head look like that?

2007-07-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

In happier news

2007-07-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

I love Paul Rudd

Sonofa!

2007-07-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

Damn it Lindsay, why you gotta be such a train wreck? I love you, and I know you have it in you to become the successful actress you want to be. But unfortunately, you have nutbag parents who totally screwed you up for life. Stop using drugs as a crutch for your pain and deal with it. Everyone has crappy families but you don't see all of us hoovering up our life savings.

Having said that, I still think you're hot and awesome and I'm totally still going to see I Know Who Killed Me this weekend, but I would just really appreciate it if you didn't make me feel like my admission fee was going to give a junkie more money to buy drugs.

Misguided moments in advertising part 3

2007-07-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

The River Wild, Meryl Streep's rafting opus was a minor hit when it was released in The US, but one wonders how its box-office would have been affected if the marketing department had taken a page out of Japan's playbook and put a clearly nude Meryl front and center on the poster. Did they really think that advertising a flash of her flesh would actually sell MORE tickets?

See also
Misguided moments in advertising part 2
Misguided moments in advertising part 1
Misguided moments in advertising

HED's dilemma

2007-07-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

"Whose hand is it better to be?"

Try and not say, "Awwwww"

2007-07-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

They are filled with pride. Get it, pride?